I'm Living Bipolar 2

I found it. The perfect house to make our home. It's only a few minutes from where I live now so it's perfect! This means no time adjustments needed for getting people to work, school or otherwise.  When we pull ALL our money together not only will we be able to afford it, but we'll have money left over. I will be able to re-start my saving account and pay tithing again.  I will be growing my own fruits and vegetables in my new garden and will master canning and doing everything that comes with aquiring food storage. My storage space is behind the 2 car garage and it will be full of goodies! And Christmas decorations of course. I have enough room for Sunday dinners again. I'll have more get friendly togethers and massive blowout Holiday parties...AGAIN. I also have enough parking for everyone.  My backyard is large and amazing. It comes with a fire pit! Also it's big enough for the grandkids to run circles around...well everyone really.  The kitchen is spacious and ...

I'm taking a long overdue Epsom Salt bath. It was almost a full week since I bathed or took a shower. I knew it had been a while, but didn't really care. Why should I? I wasn't leaving the house any time soon?  My husband does all that errand crap. I went outside of course. To hang laundry or take out the pups. But I never got dressed for the day. Got prepared for the day. I just woke up and DID the day. On auto-pilot, if you will. I listened to music I already knew. Watch shows and movies I know every line to. For the last week or so I've been numb to the World. No social media. No news. No personal drama. And to be honest...I like it. No one to answer to. No one to tell me what, when, where or how things get or should be done. I just did them. My way.  Let's be honest. I didn't just like it, I LOVED it! I want more of it! I have come to a conclusion that the older I get, the more I want to become a recluse. Not in a bad or harmful way, just a peaceful more rel...

My home sits in the back of a wooded wonderland. Surrounded by huge oak and maple trees. With a few pine trees scattered throughout the front yard for Holiday purposes. The canopy of leaves providing enough shade for coolness but has an open clearing or two for thr sun to peek through. This is where our cat likes to sun bathe. Our dogs prefer the more wooded fenced in area to do their business and run free in. I have a garden with a combination of flowers and veggies. I have several fruit trees lining the garden path. Apple. Pear. Some berries bushes like deep purple grapes my Gramma Helen had or blueberries and we can start a new tradition. A bench or two to sit and enjoy the view of the sunset or sunrise struned along the walking path. This garden leads to the back of the cabin complete with a clothes line and playground for the grandbabies. An old outhouse is the distance with a crescent moon cut into the door that is just along the do not pass fence line. I walk into my country kit...

When do you cut someone toxic out of your life? When they attack someone you don't know? When they attack an acquaintance? When they attack a friend? When they attack family? When they attack you? When does loyalty go out the window and you walk away? This has been the drama my family is dealing with as of late. Sadly and more importantly children are being adversely affected by it. These children are being told viscous lies to protect someone doesn't want the turth to break the surface. Lies upon lies upon lie. Decades of them. Finally coming to a head, ready to blow and she is getting scared.  Through this heartbreak my adult children have lost life-long friendships. My daughter and grandson lots their God-daughter/God-sister. Family has all but disowned family. Why? Because of lies. Lies that should have never been said in the first place. You see, little white lies seem harmful. One here. One there. No biggie, right? Nope. It will ALWAYS come out. In some form or another. ...

Could I have MS (multiple sclerosis) or is it Fibromyalgia (Fibro)? For the last 4 years I have believed that I have text-book fibro with widespread pain, numbness, fatigue and memory loss. However, the more I read and look into what my full spectrum of symptoms are, it looks more like MS! This week was the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. I agreed to help my cousin, whom had fallen down the stairs recently, and assist her in packing up her 2 story 4 bdrm home and get it all ready for the movers on that following Tuesday. That night my legs went numb, tingled for hours and felt like an elephant was laying across my thighs. I texted her I couldn't make it and how sorry I truly was. I just couldn't walk up and down stairs with boxes and such. I would be and feel useless. So I've been taking it easy and doing as little walking as possible. I went with Babbit on a couple deliveries but couldn't do much. I was there to be his company and navigator. That was all I could...

I've been doing some personal soul searching. I've realized, I few true friends. I essentially have one girlfriend whom I call my best friend. We've know each other since grade school. I see/talk/text her very rarely. BUT, I know that it's a true friendship. She answers my calls/text immediately. We make time for each other. We laugh, cry and push the other to be better. All in positive ways. Other than her I have no one. Of course we have known the other since we were 11, but I digress. I want a bestie everyday. Not when it's convient for her. When I was in my Twenties I had a best friend. Someone I could talk to on a regular. In fact we did that a LOT! Talked. All the time. I would stagger over to her house (we were neighbors at one point) to have a cup of coffee. We would talk for hours and chain smoke packs of cigarettes. It was the best time. By the time we were in our Thirties we got into a very large fight and haven't talked since. That's been 10 year...

This guy. What can I do I say about this wonderful man. I start by saying...Happy birthday, son. I can't express how blessed I am to have been chosen to be your mother. What a honor it is for me to raise such a fine human being. Thank you. I marvel at all you do and everything you have accomplished in the 22 years you've been.on this planet. School. Work. Friends. Family. You would take your own shirt off your back to help your fellow brother. I admire you for that. Your work ethic puts others to shame. Showing everyone that Autism isn't going to stand in your way. I stand all amazed by you. My hero. My love. My Son. Have the happiest of birthday my sweet boy. Forever and beyond ❤

The last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. The last time I felt this way I was hospitalized for 7 days. October 24-31 2013. I felt like I was having a 3 day long heart attack. I couldn't breathe. The world was coming down on me. This is when I found out I was bipolar 2. I remember the day I went in. I was so scared and nervous. Not knowing what is to come. Wondering if "today" was the day I went home. I remember sleeping in a strange bed, waking up with a stranger in the next bed. No, I did not have a private room. I slept with a roommate who thought I stole her coloring pencil (yes 1 pencil) and glared at me for most of my time there. I eat what I assume was food 3 times a day. Had black coffee in the morning. Mind you, they woke me up at 6 am to take morning meds. I took EVERY class they told me to. Even AA, and I'm not an alcoholic nor do I do hard street drugs. But I did them without compliant. I saw the doctor everyday, cried everyda...

I don't shave. I haven't shaved my legs in over a year and my pits for a month or so now. I want to give a shout out to @papa_smoke_76 for enduring me in this adventure. He has been nothing but patient and loving through this. I'm choosing not to shave for personal reasons. Nothing political. I'm not standing up for injustice or anything like that. I don't shave my legs because I can feel the hair grow back and it itches something fierce. I've woken up to open sores on my shins due to scratching in the middle of the night. That sucks. The last time I had to deal with such unloveliness was a year ago. I went to California and shaved for the occasion. I even joked with my mom (@debkatz) saying "Look...I shaved just for you". That's when she told me it was okay not to shave. It's a personal choice. And y'all know once you get Mommy's approval, it's on! So I stopped shaving my legs. I haven't shaved my pits because I haven't...

https://youtu.be/I7BkKqciZO4

I've been sick. I'm not talking about a little cold. I'm saying a full blown flu like bullshit. Hot and cold flashes. Sore aches and pains. Uncontrollable shaking. Vomiting and profusely sweating. Did I mention that I've had fibromyalgia flare-up for last couple weeks. Also the migraines are unbelievable. Pain is second nature now. I don't know what life it like with no pain. To be able to walk without pain. To move without stiffness. What is that? It's life, that's what it is.

Fuck life

Easter is just around the corner. I should be full of love and respect for our Lord Jesus Christ for all the sacrifices he made for us. Here's the thing, I have a LOT of empathy and feel emotions and sometimes pain of other. This includes watching videos and dvds. I read about Christ and the love he has for us. The fact that he died for our sins and then was resurrected so we can live with out Heavenly Father again is amazing and breathtaking. I observe in my own way. I read my scriptures and say my prayers. I even been studying my Jewish heritage and reading on Passover. Recalling memories of Sader with my Uncle. How much love was in that room. So much love. So much life. Today we make our ham dinner and remember love lost and life renewed. I remember the sacrifices my family and the Lord Savior made for me to he here today. And to return and be with family I've lost. Happy Easter. Happy Passover.

https://youtu.be/9Ftu8Z6pMu4

Bath time!

After years of being on the same medication, my doc is putting me on something else. I can't wait. I'm actually happy for this change. Maybe it'll help with my racing thoughts and nasty side effects. Here's to hoping it all works.