Friend Request

I've been doing some personal soul searching. I've realized, I few true friends. I essentially have one girlfriend whom I call my best friend. We've know each other since grade school. I see/talk/text her very rarely. BUT, I know that it's a true friendship. She answers my calls/text immediately. We make time for each other. We laugh, cry and push the other to be better. All in positive ways. Other than her I have no one. Of course we have known the other since we were 11, but I digress. I want a bestie everyday. Not when it's convient for her.

When I was in my Twenties I had a best friend. Someone I could talk to on a regular. In fact we did that a LOT! Talked. All the time. I would stagger over to her house (we were neighbors at one point) to have a cup of coffee. We would talk for hours and chain smoke packs of cigarettes. It was the best time. By the time we were in our Thirties we got into a very large fight and haven't talked since. That's been 10 years now.

In my Thirties I found someone who. i thought was my soul sister. We became very close. Her daughter became my niece and for 10 years we were inseparable. Long talks. Chain smoking cigarettes. Raising our children together. My oldest daughter even dated her brother for a couple years. I should add my friend was twelve years younger than me. Then she did something I couldn't stand by and ignore. I told her what she was doing was wrong. I told her she was hurting her husband and daughter. That she needed to come clean to her husband (who happens to be my husband's best friend) or I would have to. I thought we were close enough to handle this bump in the road. I guessed wrong. She left me alone and hurting badly. She called me horrible names. Insulted my children. And ordered her soon to be ex-husband to keep their daughter, my niece for the last ten years, away from my family. That hurt. A lot! As a result of her unsaveriness my friends got a divorce. He stayed my husband's best friend of course, so we still have communication with our niece. She has recently reached out to me. We've talked here and there but nothing concrete. 

So, those were my friends. One whom I see rarely, one who won't even be in the same room as me and one who called me so many hurtful things I don't know if I'll ever completely forgive her. I have no other female friends. This hurts me to my core. I've been sad and depressed because of it as of late. You tell me to get out there, find someone new, makes friends. This is way harder than it looks.

This is who I am: I am an introvert. I don't usually leave my house. I'm a lover of all living things. Animal and nature. I smoke cannabis. I have strong personal beliefs but I am open minded and kind hearted. I'm Spiritual and believe in a higher power. I'm also non-judgemental and easy to get along with.

I'm looking for someone who won't judge me. I need a friend who will come over to my house, be lazy with me, smoke cannabis, nap, eat, then smoke more cannabis, make and eat a good meal together, clean up, then do it all over again tomorrow after work. That's what my last several girlfriends and I did and I miss this connection dearly. 

I'm close to my halfway point of physical existence. I kids are grown and have families of their own. I only work when I really need to. I just need to do something productive with my life. Make a contribution to society. Is my mid-life crisis?

I'm lost and I don't know where to turn.