9-2-18

The last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. The last time I felt this way I was hospitalized for 7 days. October 24-31 2013. I felt like I was having a 3 day long heart attack. I couldn't breathe. The world was coming down on me. This is when I found out I was bipolar 2. I remember the day I went in. I was so scared and nervous. Not knowing what is to come. Wondering if "today" was the day I went home. I remember sleeping in a strange bed, waking up with a stranger in the next bed. No, I did not have a private room. I slept with a roommate who thought I stole her coloring pencil (yes 1 pencil) and glared at me for most of my time there. I eat what I assume was food 3 times a day. Had black coffee in the morning. Mind you, they woke me up at 6 am to take morning meds. I took EVERY class they told me to. Even AA, and I'm not an alcoholic nor do I do hard street drugs. But I did them without compliant. I saw the doctor everyday, cried everyday and talked about life everyday. They put me on a pharmaceutical regimen that "cleared" me to go home. It was like a switch. One day I was crying, then the next I was laughing and cutting jokes. The day I went home I remember the nurse looked at @papa_smoke_76 and asked if this behavior was normal. Something that happens a lot. When Babbit said yes, the nurse told him that this was classic bipolar behavior and he should watch me carefully. He was right, a week later I asked my psychiatric if I had bipolar. He looked at me and said, "Well, that is a wonderful question to ask. Lets look it up together and find out." He proceeded to read out of the big book of diagnoses and bipolar 2 fit perfectly. From that moment on I was a changed woman. I had a solid diagnosis. Somewhere to work from. From that moment on I have worked my ass off. Meditations. Yoga. Medications. Some I need to work on, some I have stopped and some I need to start back up. But the point is I working on me, continually. Some days are hard. Some easy-peasy. Lately it's been hard. Rough. Down right effing difficult. Some days I want to curl up and hide under a rock. Some days I want to run away and not look back. But I don't. I stay put. I deal with life. I know what's coming. I know that seasonal depression is around the corner. This is yet another issue I have to deal with. My point is I do things I don't like. All the time. I cry and pout but I do them.