I'm Living Bipolar 2

The end of the year is upon us. It's time to reflect and ponder what happened in the last 365 days. How did you spend the last 12 months of your life? Did you volunteer at your local homeless shelter? Did you selflessly donate your time and efforts to make this world a better place? These are questions that go through my mind of a continual basis. It comes and goes in waves. Just like the ocean tide. My emotions ebb and flow with the changing moon. Mental illness keeps you on your toes, to say the least. Being bipolar is something of a mystery. You never know who you're going to be one day to the next. Yesterday I was just fine. Happy go lucky and ready for the world. Today, not so much. I just want to lay around in my comfy clothes, funny hat and over sized slippers all day. I don't want to do laundry (which is piling up mind you). I hand out chores like I always do to mask what I'm really doing/feeling. If I don't want to do something I make one of the kids d...

When I was six I started therapy. I remember a brunette, on the shorter side, with olive skin. I remember talking to her for a little bit in a dimly lit room, then we went into the play room. This is where I have most of my memories. I remember playing life or death. She was always on her death bed and I couldn't save her. She was dying. I do remember the death. I would surround her with paper bricks and make her lay down and pretend she was dead. When we were done she would talk to my parents while I read to myself. I felt different. 

Holy shit! I've been sitting here at the computer for over 40 minutes and have typed and retyped so many starts to this particular post. I have so much to say but at the moment I can't seem to think of anything. It's kinda weird. Frustrating even.

I'm not really good at doing this. I should be better, however I am not. So it is what it is. Now that I have a laptop, I should be able to  keep up with all the going on in the world. So here's what's been going on with me. We got into a fight with a neighbor and she called my landlord and HIS FATHER to complain about us. Come to find out she must have been complaining for a long time because they asked us to leave. We have less than two weeks to find a new place. We were going to be homeless. I was terrified and didn't want to do anything, let alone pack all my shit up. The next day my husband and I were out driving around and he found a place. Not just any place, but the place of my dreams. We walked around and contacted the landlord. We told them what was going on and had references to back up the truth. Long story short, we moved in on the third and been here for a week now. I LOVE IT!! It's the house of my dreams. Everything about it screams ME. This is defin...

Rain. I love rain. I've always loved rain. When I was a little girl people would ask me, "Where do you want to live when you get older?". I would simplied reply, Washington or Oregon. I would even venture down to Northern California, if the price and scenery were right. When I was asked why I loved that area and states so much, my answer was always the same, RAIN. I love the sound it makes when it hits a hot tin roof. I love the smell of rain in the early months of Fall. Where the leaves are slowly turning red, orange, and yellow. Hanging on to the branches of their trees for dear life. I love the way the rain drops hit my face ever so sweetly during Spring time. With a slight chill still in the air. Rain has brought me so much love, happiness and joy. That sounds kinda funny, huh. I think so too, however it's the truth. When I was a little girl it rained on my birthday. That magical time where you're a little girl turns into a young women. It was warm enough fo...

Seven years ago today I was admitted to OSU hospital for a mental break. I was contemplating hurting myself and was brought here for help. While I was here I found out that I was really sick. An invisible illness. A mental illness. Only I can feel it. I will suffer mentally and physically and alone. I lost so much weight. I was abt 100lbs and I'm being generous with that number. My hair was falling out and I wasn't sleeping. I played video games (burn out mostly) and smoked cigarette after cigarette. My room was always dark and I cried all the time. My kids watched me deteriorate with saddness in their eyes. My husband was afraid to hold me (because I was so thin) for fear of hurting me. I was a mess. Seven years ago my husband walked in on me holding a bottle of pills. I was crying and wanted to die. He called my couseler and she told him to take me to Netcare immediately. I remember watching him walk away and leave me there. I watched him hold back his tears to give me streng...

Its a early to take a bubble bath but I needed it. Here's why....While at the pantry a man walked in. Normal everyday looking gent. When we made eye contact with me my heart skipped a beat. My hands went numb and I couldn't catch my breath. I scrambled to retrieve a xanax from my "emergency bottle" because I was shacking so bad. The man kept looking at me and I started shacking even harder. He looked just like my ex-husband. Exactly like him. But alas it was NOT him. Babbit came in within 5 minutes of the attack and calmed me down. He calmed me down and assured me that it wasn't him. I went outside and took some nice loooong breathes. Relaxed and ready to finish what I started I went back into the pantry with my head held high. Now I'm home with my family. Soaking in a hot tub, smoking that nice green herb and veggie out. Trying to put this day behind me.

At this moment in time I want to be in NYC. I don't know why, it's just something I feel. I want to watch the colors change on the trees in Central Park. I want to walk in the park and see the same trees my family played around. I want to walk down the cobblestone streets and sneak into a little diner. I want to order a cup-o-joe and Ruben on rye. I want to feel closer to my grandfather and uncle. I want to sense them and absorb their wisdom of Hells Kitchen. I want to be one with my home away from home. Eat the same foods. See the generations of family's who never left. Feel what they feel. Smell what they smell. Twenty years ago I lived in the Bronx and worked in Manhattan. 49th and Lex. Local YMHA. Don't know if it's still there, but golly I sure hope so.

The other day I was picking up my middle daughter from work and one of my favorite dancing songs came on. I was playing with my phone, snapping a picture, and decided to record me having some fun. I love to sing and dance. I don't do this enough, in my opinion. I need to feel free to express myself any way I see fit...right?! Stephanie Clarkson shared a video with you from the Flickr app! Check it out: https://www.flickr.com/gp/124390092@N05/4186Xo

I want to watch my grandkids grow up. Not work all the time. So, I want to have a job that works around my schedule. Somewhere I can just answer phones. Listen to my music and help around the office. Why can't that be something available?! I want a 10-6, so I don't have to work early and still be home at a reasonable hour. I want to make bank too. I want to make 15$ a hour and get paid for lunch. I want to be apprieated for all I do and accomplish. I want to work at my own pace and be trusted with assignments. I want a large home. Something that will for my family comfortably. The whole family. Six bedrooms. Four bathrooms. Laundry and workout rooms. I want Holiday dinners in the dining room with the fancy chandler. I want my kids and grandkids to feel welcomed and loved when they walk in. I want my children to ransack my kitchen for leftovers and use my laundry room at their disposal. I want a back yard built for entertaining. A place for the kids to play and comfortable seat...

Been feeling like shit lately. I feel like I can't do anything right. I'm feeling worthless and like a nobody. I don't get apprieacted at work for the good job I do, but I do get yelled at for being to good at what I do. Wtf?! They are so confusing. My home is falling apart since I started working again. Laundry is in a giant pile downstairs. Dishes never get done in a timely manner. My living room and bathroom are a wreak as well. I can't blame my husband...he makes sure we are fed everyday. By almost any means necessary, he sees that we are never hungry. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Wgeb we didn't owe so much money to ppl. Where I can spend my check on whatever the fuck I want to. I want to go out and have fun. Get dressed up and party like I was 25 again. Hell I'll take 35 again LOL. I'm tired of being sad and tired all the time. I want financial freedom. I want a car to myself. I want to feel worthy.

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I've been denied any further look into my claim of disability. What is done is done. I'm moving on. I've already found and lost one job due to anxiety and panic attacks, so we'll see what happens at this one. I'm kinda hoping it works out where I am now. It's laid back. A somewhat relaxing atmosphere and the people seem nice. My hours are nice and manageable. I haven't told them that I suffer from varies mental illness issues. I'm afraid that they won't understand or just won't care.  My first week went well, I do have to say. I'm starting to understand the rythem of the store and where items go. There's a constant flow of customers so we have to be on point at all times. We do have down times, but not today. Today was busy busy busy. I can only hope that it remains that way. I'm exsausted. My legs hurt. My head hurts. My body is aching. Its completely different then being a stay at home mother. Where I work I can't yell and scr...

We're pushing. My daughter is in labor and I am so excited. She's been in labor for over 24 hours as a champ. I'm so blessed to be able to have her with me. I'm blessed to be able to be with her. We've grown closer in the last 6 months and I have to say I really enjoy it. She's amazing. She's sweet and generous and kind. I only wish your mother actually saw what I see. I love her so very much my love her ass has grown. I can't wait to meet my little nugget.

We are at the hospital now. My daughter contractions are less than 5 minutes apart and intensity level 7 to 9 and lasts for about 50 55 seconds. Came to the hospital and only one person can go back with her and its my daughter Katey coach its back there at the moment with her. Katey biological mother is not coming to the birth of the baby however she'll be here the next day. I think this is bullshit I think she should be here no matter what with her daughter but she's not. Katie is a strong girl and she can do it.