I'm Living Bipolar 2

This guy. What can I do I say about this wonderful man. I start by saying...Happy birthday, son. I can't express how blessed I am to have been chosen to be your mother. What a honor it is for me to raise such a fine human being. Thank you. I marvel at all you do and everything you have accomplished in the 22 years you've been.on this planet. School. Work. Friends. Family. You would take your own shirt off your back to help your fellow brother. I admire you for that. Your work ethic puts others to shame. Showing everyone that Autism isn't going to stand in your way. I stand all amazed by you. My hero. My love. My Son. Have the happiest of birthday my sweet boy. Forever and beyond ❤

The last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. The last time I felt this way I was hospitalized for 7 days. October 24-31 2013. I felt like I was having a 3 day long heart attack. I couldn't breathe. The world was coming down on me. This is when I found out I was bipolar 2. I remember the day I went in. I was so scared and nervous. Not knowing what is to come. Wondering if "today" was the day I went home. I remember sleeping in a strange bed, waking up with a stranger in the next bed. No, I did not have a private room. I slept with a roommate who thought I stole her coloring pencil (yes 1 pencil) and glared at me for most of my time there. I eat what I assume was food 3 times a day. Had black coffee in the morning. Mind you, they woke me up at 6 am to take morning meds. I took EVERY class they told me to. Even AA, and I'm not an alcoholic nor do I do hard street drugs. But I did them without compliant. I saw the doctor everyday, cried everyda...

I don't shave. I haven't shaved my legs in over a year and my pits for a month or so now. I want to give a shout out to @papa_smoke_76 for enduring me in this adventure. He has been nothing but patient and loving through this. I'm choosing not to shave for personal reasons. Nothing political. I'm not standing up for injustice or anything like that. I don't shave my legs because I can feel the hair grow back and it itches something fierce. I've woken up to open sores on my shins due to scratching in the middle of the night. That sucks. The last time I had to deal with such unloveliness was a year ago. I went to California and shaved for the occasion. I even joked with my mom (@debkatz) saying "Look...I shaved just for you". That's when she told me it was okay not to shave. It's a personal choice. And y'all know once you get Mommy's approval, it's on! So I stopped shaving my legs. I haven't shaved my pits because I haven't...

https://youtu.be/I7BkKqciZO4

I've been sick. I'm not talking about a little cold. I'm saying a full blown flu like bullshit. Hot and cold flashes. Sore aches and pains. Uncontrollable shaking. Vomiting and profusely sweating. Did I mention that I've had fibromyalgia flare-up for last couple weeks. Also the migraines are unbelievable. Pain is second nature now. I don't know what life it like with no pain. To be able to walk without pain. To move without stiffness. What is that? It's life, that's what it is.

Fuck life

Easter is just around the corner. I should be full of love and respect for our Lord Jesus Christ for all the sacrifices he made for us. Here's the thing, I have a LOT of empathy and feel emotions and sometimes pain of other. This includes watching videos and dvds. I read about Christ and the love he has for us. The fact that he died for our sins and then was resurrected so we can live with out Heavenly Father again is amazing and breathtaking. I observe in my own way. I read my scriptures and say my prayers. I even been studying my Jewish heritage and reading on Passover. Recalling memories of Sader with my Uncle. How much love was in that room. So much love. So much life. Today we make our ham dinner and remember love lost and life renewed. I remember the sacrifices my family and the Lord Savior made for me to he here today. And to return and be with family I've lost. Happy Easter. Happy Passover.

https://youtu.be/9Ftu8Z6pMu4

Bath time!

After years of being on the same medication, my doc is putting me on something else. I can't wait. I'm actually happy for this change. Maybe it'll help with my racing thoughts and nasty side effects. Here's to hoping it all works.

 

https://youtu.be/bzIpbVkSeb8

Today is another bipolar day. They're coming closer and closer together. This is scaring me. I have no energy. No drive. No ambition. Life sucks and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm taking a mental health day.

https://youtu.be/ZxwgtOpSQBM

I actually don't mind waiting for an order. It gives me time to reflect and ponder thoughts and feelings. Emotions are important to me. Feeling say a lot about who you are as a person/human. I know animals have feelings but humans get to express them. How magnificent is that! So express away. Don't hold back. Tell the world how you feel. Show your emotions. Be proud of them. It's who you are!

Taking a day off. Doing nothing but trading and listening to music. I'm cutting the world out today.

  Meditation is very important to me. It helps me become centered and remember what's most important to me. Like my family and not let the outside influences effect me. I deal with pain on a daily and when I mediate it helps teaches me to breathe and to let things go so the pain isn't so intense.

This is my go to pose in the car lol. Especially when we're at a stop. I always have put my feet up. I remember when I was little and my Aunt asked if I ever put my feet on the ground, of course not was my answer everytime. When I sit my feet are up. I walk and run and skip and hop everyday. I'm always moving. So, when I I stop my feet are up and relaxing. That's that.

I just got A Clash Of Kings, second installment of Games of Thrones Books. I love these books. I can't put them down once I pick it up. I'll be busy for awhile due to the fact that this is a 750 page book. I can't wait. Here I go!!

Having bipolar has been a trip. It's just one of a plethora of other diagnosis. The last 9 years have been a challenge to say the least. But it's made me stronger and happier. I look back at my 20's and wonder why it took me so long to become healthy. Taking my meds because they help me. Not caring what other people think or say about me. Being able to walk and eat in public without judgement is a blessing. To smile and mean it makes me happy. Here's to the next chapter of my life....

https://youtu.be/omCnOFCyllg

Sometimes I feel out of place. I feel like I don't fit in. I'm supposed to see something or someone else. Bipolar does that. Makes my brain go into overdrive. I can't stand it either. I start to think if something from yesterday and my brain goes to something that I did 30 years ago that didn't go my way. Like it was my fault when it wasn't or what would of happened if I did this instead of that. It's so frustrating! I hate it!!

You are loved

Yep. I'm having a bipolar day. Everything can suck it and I don't care. I feel horrible, emotionally and physically. Drained. I have so much on my mind. So stressed. So so so stressed. I'm trying to put on a brave front for the family, but it's getting very hard. I want to cry but don't want to cry. I'm all mixed up and I hate it.

Uncle Bill is 92 and takes care if himself better then most 20 year olds. This dog has sat outside his house for over 15 years. It barks when you walk by. I chuckle everytime I come over.

Still. Reading. Can't. Put. It. Down! Must. Finish.

Can't talk... Must. Read.

I can't get out of this book! All I want to do is read. Highly recommend Game Of Thrones!

I find myself on this the last day of Febuary wondering what Spring will bring. What flowers will I see first. Which tree will sprout it's first bud. As I get older I appreciate nature and the turning of the seasons. Changing every three months or so. Blossoming into a beautiful flower. Watching the trees change colors and glide to the ground. The first snow. Small things.

Wow! This book is intense. I'm only 100 pages into it and I can't put it down. Okay, enough blogging. Back to the book!

https://youtu.be/of6DnCChkH0

I'm using the Stop, Breathe & Think app to meditate! #sbt https://sbtapp.onelink.me/886354604?pid=SBTAndroidAPP&c=Share_app-dl-open&af_dp=dl-open%3A%2F%2F&af_web_dp=https://www.stopbreathethink.com/

I decided to color my hair purple.

Back still wacked out. Sadly. Went to urgent care and the doctor looked at me like I was pill seeking. She asked what worked and I honestly told her, flexeril. She just glared at me. Well, I was being honest. I'm my best advocate. I know what works for me and I know what doesn't. Don't look at me sideways, pretty please.

I threw my back out 😔 and I've been having a flare-up for the last 3 days. Not the best of moments...

Taking a long overdue day off. Biggie was surprised when he came down and saw us in our room. He had some mawmaw love and watched learning videos with pawpaw. Now it off for some breakfast and juice. Did I mention that pawpaw have biggie a big ole swig of Pepsi? Yea, that happened lol. The sugar rush is real.

Went to see Uncle Bill today. So much love in his heart and all he wants is company. Someone to talk to. Someone to pay attention to him. I'm proud to do this once a week or so. He fills my heart with warmth and I learn something about my family.

 You will be missed so much. Chris and I love you with all our hearts. You left us to soon. If only we had one more time with each other. To hug. To laugh. To call on for advice. I was blessed to have known you as long as I did. Thank you for helping raise my husband. Being such a great role model for my children and grandchildren. Thank you for your love and admiration. Till we meet again ♥ 

Tomorrow is my Aunts funeral. We have to drive to Indiana for it, which mean we leave before 6 am. 4 hours in the car. Straight shot. Going to be a long day.

Dogs are awesome. They love you unconditionally and without malice. Sweets is my big lug of a dog. My forever three year old.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Feeling my worth tonight. Loving the curl in my hair. The swing in my hips. The curve of my body. Tonight I'm feeling my worth.

Meditating with animals can be challenging. They always want to be in your lap. Want all your attention. Want petted. Kissed and loved on. I cherish these moments with my cat. Chitto sits in my lap. I rub his head and scratch behind his ears while he purrs and takes away my stress. You heard me right, they take away your stress. This is something I firmly believe. When I mediate with Chitto I'm more relaxed and calmer. When I meditate in the car I don't feel completely relaxed, something is missing and I feel like I have to do it again. Chitto centers me and I appreciate him for that. Do you have an animal that meditates with you?

My Uncle is 92 and full of stories. Tonight I heard about the old bull. When my Uncle was little he and his brother my Uncle Jim, went to run an errand for their father. Grandpa told the boys not to cut through the meadow, but they didn't listen. On the way home Uncle Jim and Uncle Bill decided to cut through that meadow their father had warned them about. They got to the middle if the field, and out from behind the tree came the bull. That bull came charging both them boys. They started running as fast as their little legs would go. Uncle Jim made it over the fence, my Uncle Bill got caught on the fence and tore his pants. The boys went home and had to tell their parents the truth. Grandpa laughed and said his I told you so, while grandma mended Uncle Bills pants. These are the memories I will cherish in my heart. 

Today I am going to discuss why I don't shave my legs. First, it's the most freeing feeling I have ever felt. Not having to have smooth legs have been a highlight of my life. Second, I have fibromyalgia and one of the issues I have is intense itching. I'll scratch till I bleed. I have scars to prove it. So, last June I made a decision to stop shaving my legs. I even talked it over with my husband. He knew how hard this choice was for me. It was taking me longer and longer between shaving and the scratch marks were getting worse. It was so painful at times, so I would wait as long as possible to shave and would totally regret it afterwards. Was two weeks of pain and torture worth one night of smooth legs? People have asked me why don't you shave everyday to keep it smooth or use lotion for dry skin. This is why-lotion makes me break out. No matter if it's for for oily skin or dry skin my face will be covered in zits within a couple days. And shaving everyday is a h...

Got pulled over. Apparently Babbit had something wrong with his licence. They're checking mine to see if I'm able to drive. This sucks. I hate driving and my anxieties are through the roof already. Not the best of days.

Cannabis is good. Cannabis is great. Cannabis is my medicine. Cannabis is my relaxation. Cannabis helps me think and be. I'm blessed to live in a medical state.

We cut Biggies hair tonight. He looks like a little gentleman, not a toddler. He's so grown up. So smart and witty. Goodbye curls.

A big snow storm is supposed to hit Columbus tonight. I am very excited! To bad I have to work tomorrow or I would take a snow day.

We lost a great women this week. My husband lost his Aunt Deb a couple days ago. She was a wiz in cards. Funny ass chick. Heart of gold. She will be so very missed.

I shaved my head. I feel so free and relaxed. I've missed my bald head.

Today my husband's Aunt Deb died. She passed away in her sleep next to the love of her life. She will be missed.

Grubhub is officially my employer. I'm delivering and Babbit is driving. We're doing this together. I'm so fucking happy!!

Grubhub got back to me. I get to work again! I'm so excited!

It's the last day of January. Out of 31 days I only missed one day of journaling. Not to shabby.

Today had been an up and down kind of day. I awoke with a start and haven't really recovered from it. The information that at I had scared me to know end. Anxiety through the roof. By the evening hours my heart was calmed with good news. I was relieved not only for me but the other party as well. Needless to say I am wiped. Exhaustion is in my bones. 

It's a sad cold hard fact that sometimes your insurance runs out and you have to go without your meds. This is happening to us next month. Both my husband and myself are losing our only way to pay for our pharmaceuticals. This is going to be an adjustment that I don't know if I can handle. I haven't gone without my medication for over 4 years. I finally have a cocktail that works for me. Took forever to get it right as well. This is concerning for me. I am happy that cannabis will never run out on me. I have a steady supply of this leafy medication. Now all we need is our dispensaries up and running and everything will be okay. Only a couple more months.

Grubhub contacted Dad (Don) today and we sent over my name and a good email they could reach me at. I'm getting closer. One step closer. I'm getting excited.

My husband is no longer getting disability from the government anymore. He is able to work and little or much as possible. This I am hoping is a good thing. We're loosing income and that is scary. I'm trying to use a budget plan but I'm having a hard time getting everyone else on board. They're being reluctant and that scares me also. I don't want to have to be the tough evil one who only thinks about money but someone does... Right?!

I'm having flare-ups after flare-ups for the last couple days. I'm in pain and want to cry. I've had a stressful couple of days which is why I'm having flare-ups in the first place. Ugh.

Today my oldest grandchild turns 4. Oh, how time flies by. I remember singing sweet songs to put him to sleep. I remember the first time he said my name. Beastie, he called me. It was adorable.

Having a bad day. Sore and achy. Fibromyalgia has got me something fierce. Goodnight.

I went to a different nail salon than I've been going to, and let me tell you I will NOT be going back. I wanted to take the fake nails off. I sat there for 45 min soaking my nails. If I had gone to my usual place they would of popped them off and filed them down. It's what they did before. However this chick had me sitting forever, watching the News of all things and doing nothing. I couldn't look at my phone, read a book or anything. I was so bored. I look up and see a free cocktail, one per customer. I thought great I'll get a glass of wine and that'll make up for their rudeness. Well,  I never got that glass. They never even offered me water. So disappointing. When it came to filing a shape into my nails I couldn't. I wanted rounded buy they were so weak they would break off. When I brought it to her attention she blew off, bent the nail and said it was fine. I told her I didn't like it and to file them down. She rolled her eyes and proceeded to file. Th...

Work has been draining me. I feel like I'm not doing enough or not getting enough credit for what I do. I'm in and out of the car for 8 hours a day. My legs feel like jelly by the time I get home. I just want to crawl into bed and chill. Meditate, read and listen to quiet music. Is that to much to ask?

Meditating with toddler can be exciting, to say the least. Today as I was starting to meditate my grandson came in and started to okay with his toy car. I had my guided mediation playing on my phone. He listened for a minute, playing loudly, then came over and sat quietly on my lap. I didn't even need to prompt him. He knew what to do. Now don't get it twisted, he babbled the whole time. He played with his car and continued to be a toddler. The point is he knew what to do by my example. Children just need to have a positive role model in their lives and they can do anything. I'm very blessed to have had this moment with my grandchild. After it was said and done Biggie was calmer and more relaxed. Mediation is for everyone. Age is NOT a factor.

Grubhub is hiring in my area!! I'm so happy. I'm sending an email almost every day so I can finish my application. I believe that I'll get the job. It would be perfect for Babbit and I. Not to have to work of dad all the time. To have our own... To make our money! Wow! That would be tops!! This could be my year! 2018 baby!!

Today has been a calm day. We chose not to bombard ourselves and take it easy. So I don't have a lot to write. I've been meditating on a regular and it feels good. Taking 15 minutes out of my day to reflect and be centered. I believe it's helping me. Also journaling everyday helps tremendously. Putting things down on paper and/or putting it out there on a computer, either way I'm getting it all out. All I have to work on is my weight. I need to loose 30+ lbs to feel good about myself.

Today was therapy day and know what? She actually listened, again. I explained that my current medication Rimeron wasn't working the way I wanted it to, so I wanted to stop taking it. She listened to my reason (weight gain, I gained 20 lbs in 3 months) and realized that it was important to me and said that I didn't need to continue taking it. So now I get to work on getting my figure back. My weight will fall off (hopefully) and things will get back to normal.

Read and finished a 350 page book in a matter of hours. I spent all day reading and enjoying a snow day. Winter has hit hard in Columbus. We have a shit ton of snow already and it's not even half way through the winter. As I age I appreciate the change of seasons a whole lot more. I love watching the leaves change color in the Autumn and bud new leaves in the Spring. New adventures are out there... I just have to find an them.

SNOW DAY! Awoke to a winter wonderland this morning. Can't drive and deliver in this (though I sorta wish we could), too cold and the roads are shit. But I was very pleased with today. I've crocheted some of my blanket. Started a really good book, The Nest. Meditated. Smoked. Just relaxed all day. I needed this too. I've been frazzled as of late. Stressed if you will. So I needed a day off schedule.  A random me day.

Music. I love music. All kids if music. If it has a beat or smooth notes, I like you. Right now I'm listening to Liquid Mind radio on Amazon Music. I love the peacefulness and fluid notes.

Yesterday there was a blizzard in Columbus and I started to read The Music Shop by Rachel Joyce. It's about a man with a you guessed it, a music shop. He meets a girl, falls in love etc etc. I'm only half way through and I had to put it down. I read 100 pages in a matter of a hour or so. Which is not an easy feat for me. I'm on my third book of the year and love this idea of mine. This adventure is making me happy.

I feel fat. I look overweight. However, according to my doctors I'm generally healthy. I have put of 15 lbs in 3 months and don't like it. I know it's a side effect of my medication but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I've changed what I eat, how I eat, when I eat and who I eat with. I hate diets and refuse to "use" one. I need to do something. Maybe I'll start yoga again?

Posting to post something today. Don't feel like writing anything.

Generic food is the best! Off brand, you know. Sometimes, they are even better then the name brand. And they tend to be cheaper. Take this photo, these are an off brand cheese crackers from Aldi's. This box cost less than 2 dollars. Name brand at Kroger would cost almost 4 dollars. So you tell me...which would you buy?! What make generic food even better? Cannabis!

I'm about to read my third book this year. The Music Shop by Rachel Joyce. Seems interesting in its own right. We'll see. I couldn't finish the last book I read. Only had 30 pages to go and it was so boring I didn't care about the ending. Move on right.

I'm sick. Not with depression, not fibromyalgia, not even bipolar. Today it's the flu (or something just as nasty). Trying to keep on the positive side but I hurt all over.

Today is a bipolar day. I went to work (even though I didn't want to), dealt with the cold and snow all day and twisted my knee. I've been depressed all day and my stomach is showing signs of sickness. Only good thing... I finished my first Ernest Hemingway book, The Sun Also Rises. I liked the writing style. It was easy to read and the story was to the point. I would like to take a class and discuss it with educated people. But not to educated... I don't want look stupid.

Just needed something to write today. Took the day off because Babbitt wasn't feeling well or didn't sleep well. Either way, we're not working. Kinda stressing out any it too. When I have to much stress my fibromyalgia flares up and I'm miserable. So now I'm taking it easy, laying back, meditating, reading and having a comfortable day off.

Ernest Hemingway. He's up there with Jack Kerouac. His description of the lost generation is astonishing. Why didn't I read these books when I was younger? The answer is simple... I wasn't ready. I'm ready now. Universe, I'm ready.

Today would be my Gammy's 98th birthday. Wow, to live almost a century. To live and see what she has seen. That would he amazing. I've always thought about what my grandma went through at my age. By the time she was my age (41) she has 2 young kids and a young adult. What a time. It was 1961. She lived in a little house on North side of town. He husband loving and doing what needs to be done for his family. Both in Columbus and New York. You see, my mother was the product of a forbidden love. A love child if you will. 11 months later my uncle was born. So within a year she had 2 children and a pre-teen. To raise children in the 60's, wow. In Columbus to boot. To see the marches. To feel the energy. To be in her shoes. She started with nothing. A dirt floor to a 3 bdrm in Columbus. She was an envy of her friends. My grandpa was a man among men. He dabbled in everything. From jewelry to furniture. He was the guy you went to when you needed anything. And he got it. He was a ma...

Today is my youngest grandsons birthday. Today Little Christopher Alexander Michael, aka Biggie is 2 years old. I can't believe it. He's growing into such a little man. He's a champ at the stairs. He plays pretend when he thinks no one is watching. He loves cars and music. He loves to dance and play the drums. He's intelligent and so wise. He loves his momma and worships he pawpaw. He listens when he's called and loves to eat... Anything lol. Baby boy, I'm excited to see what this year has to bring. Love you Nugget.

First day of another year. 2018 should be a year of enlightenment and peace. It will be. I believe it will be.