I'm Living Bipolar 2

So a relative has been staying with us for the last couple months. He's done so much for us in the last 10 years it was the least we could do. Well it's now biting me in the ass. He has put in his two cents in EVERYTHING that we do. He has recently gone as far as to tell me (who has an eating disorder mind you) that if I continue to eat the way I do I will never be thin. I've worked hard at the body that I have. I'm not to big nor to small. I feel good. That's all that matter to me. That's one thing. Another is butting into every conversation that my husband and he always has something to say about the way we parent. We're raising 3 girls......he's never raised a girl. He has no idea what it takes. NOT A CLUE! Maybe this is some sort of release or something. I wish he would find a place to stay that would make him happy. And get out of my house. 

Today I was angry. I understand why....but I was still angry.

We didn't get the house we wanted. My heart is breaking. I really wanted that house. It was a trailer really. Next to a pond with duck and everything. I WANTED THIS HOUSE!!!

Today my therapist told me that I should go back to school. I told him I wasn't ready yet. Maybe in another life. He said that I could be a therapist myself. That talking to me was like talking to another therapist. That made feel pretty good. Maybe I should right a book......under someone else's name. Change names and dates but make it similar. I think I can do it. In fact I think I will do it.

Today wasn't to bad. Starting to feel back to myself. Today was mostly lazy. I was up most of the night getting sick. But once I got enough sleep I felt better. I cleaned the house with help from Lacey and Chris. Made dinner and had a mini family dinner. Not to shabby for a Tuesday.

I want to tell you about my husband. I met him when I was 16 years old. I knew of him...I didn't know him. We dated briefly in high school and although we broke up for whatever reason we remain very good friends. We always seemed to know where the other was. We knew what the other was feeling. We always had a connection. We moved on in our lives. We both started dating other people and lost touch briefly. Then he called me out of the blue. To this day I don't know how he even found my number. He called to tell me that he was going to have his second baby. I already knew about the first when we bumped into each other at a football game. Come to find out he was living 10 minutes away the whole time. After the birth of my son he found me again and brought over all our friends to meet my new little guy. After that we were inseparable. We've had our up and downs. One big up was our daughter. We were now a family. Later on he told me that he watched me walk down the hall at our ...

I'm floating through life. I'm on auto-pilot. I do what is needed of me that is all. I clean. I cook. I do what is required of a mother and wife. My DEPRESSION and BPD had gotten me good this time. I don't know if it's the time of year or what but I can't seem to shake it as early as I would like to. It's difficult to understand if you never have or had DEPRESSION. It's difficult to explain as well. Does anyone know what I talking about???

I have been a royal bitch lately. I know that it's PMS and it sucks. I don't see my doctor till next month. Of course she's going to be new. My doctor decided that she wanted to retire. This one should and will be nice or so help me and her lol. I had to jump all over the kids the other day for not respecting me at all. Nada. They laugh when I'm trying to be serious and everything. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just keep telling myself "I love teenagers". Let's hope that it works.

I have this candle. I love it. The smell takes me back to when I was younger and to my dad. I have it in my bedroom for this reason. I use it to DISTRACT and SELF SOOTHE myself from the bullshit of the world. Then I was asked by someone who would like to use it. I said yes, for a little bit. Well they left and left the candle burning in the room unattended. So I took it back. I put the candle in the living room so everyone could smell it and get the same enjoyment as I do from it. Well...it ended back in another room. When I went to retrieve it, this person was giving me shit about how the candle got to the house. I don't give a rat's ass about how it got to the house...IT'S MY CANDLE. Damn it!! I can put it where ever I want to. Needless to say. The candle is where I want it.

I HATE it when I'm angry for no reason. It's very frustrating. I don't like it. So today I'm using DISTRACTION and going to the gym to release some tension. Hopefully it will help. I'll let you know.

I just had a little tiff with the hubs over the America's....North, South and Central. I was right. That is all.

I went to the gym again today. I got on the scale and noticed that I have only lost 4 pounds. Now with my eating disorder this just fuels everything. I have to make myself eat something, anything really. So I did over an hour on the treadmill running then walking. I did a total of about 3 miles. And since I don't have a car right now I have to take a bus to DBT as I'll be walking about 2 miles tomorrow. So lucky me. I have to say though I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Feel like I'm accomplishing so much.

The last couple days have been hell. My step-daughter made me cry. Our car got repossessed and have to pay a shit ton to get it back. I'm smoking like a chimney...which doesn't help with the money situation at all. I'm torn up inside. I want to break down every couple of minutes. Borderline Personality Disorder SUCKS! Let's start with how my step-daughter made me cry. We were sitting in the dining room like always and I made a comment to our youngest about 'my' kitchen. Then my step-daughter said something about me always saying 'my' or 'mine' and I never 'ours'. It made her (in her words) feel like she wants us out of the house. Which btw, I'm having a hard time with my kids growing up. She's going off to college real soon and I have yet to make a fuss (cry and whatnot). Well the hubs saw me crying and told her to apologize to me and I said no worries. It wasn't so much what she said that made me cry it was a accumulation of...

I went to the gym again today. I'm going to try to go everyday if I can. I don't want to get obsessed with working out or anything but it's sorta fun. I came home and my house was clean. Then smoked and relaxed the rest of the day. Not bad for a day in the life of me.

Today I went to the fitness club and I loved it. I feel so alive and ready for the world. I didn't like my numbers in the beginning. I have a BMI (body mass index) of 35% . This is not good for me. In order to get the BMI I had to get on the scale. I hate the scale. It has never been a friend of mine. I have battled with this machine for the last 15 or so years. I mustered up the courage and step on the monster. I'm not afraid to say I was 151 pounds. This is the biggest I've been in 5 years. This weight triggered so much pain and heartbreak. I stepped off the scale shook it off. Wiped away any tears and went on with the rest of my evaluation. This is a huge deal for me. Of course I broke down in the car on the way home and came to the realization that I'm not all that bad. I'm portioned just right and shouldn't worry about it. With me working out, that weight will fall off and I will do it the healthy way.

I am sick. I hate being sick. I turn into a big baby and make people do everything for me. I have a temper and can be very mean. I have used SELF SOOTHE, ACTIVITIES, DISTRACTION along with others skills to try to prevent all of this from happening. 

I went to church today. Came home and went back to bed. Got up. Had some coffee. Checked Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and emails. I'm now listening to music and everyone else is watching the football game. Today has seriously been a very relaxing day. And to top it off...NO SCHOOL tomorrow or Tuesday. Woot woot. Maybe I will read for a bit. 

I smoke weed. This is something that I do to help me relax and maintain sanity. If you don' t like tough shit. I told myself that I was going to be totally honest on this blog. So there it is. I SMOKE WEED.

Used DISTRACTION today due to the fact that I was totally bored all day. Went to see a movie. That was fun. Came home and had to use more skills like BREATHING and ONE THING AT A TIME to relax. I'm still trying to relax my shoulders. I'm going to take my meds a bit early tonight and get a real good nights sleep.

Okay so my day started rather slow and steady. I woke up, got dressed, woke up the girls for school and started to walk to the bus stop to make my DBT class and therapy session. I was 10 minutes down the street and I see my bus drive past. Now I COULD have gone ballistic. I COULD have started screaming and yelling. I COULD have turned around and gone home. But I DIDN'T. I used my WISE MIND and called the bus station to find out when the next bus stop time. I decided to wait the 20 extra minutes for the next bus knowing that I might be a few minutes late to class. I called my instructor and left a message for him letting him know the situation. I used SELF SOOTHE and DISTRACTION by getting myself a small cup of coffee. Something that I can drink on the quicker side and have it finished by the time the bus comes. When the bus arrived I was cheery and when I smiled the bus drivers smiled back. And that always make me feel warm inside. I found myself the sit that I feel...

My son meeting one of his grandmother's puppies for the first time. It was so cute I had to take a picture. xoxo

Today I cleaned out my closet. Got rid of things that I do not need anymore. Several bags too...try 10 bags of clothes. Used DISTRACTION and SELF SOOTHING.

I applied for social security about 8 months ago and was officially denied. I got the letter today. I have felt hurt all day. I feel disappointment in myself. This has been a bad day. I have tried to use DISTRACTION and read my book. I think I'm just going to bed early and calling it a day.

I got to do some laundry today. Which is now having a calming effect on me. I'm starting to enjoy it. It gives me time to think and reflect on the weeks events. Time to think of all the blessings that I have. My family. Friends. Life. When I start to think about things like that I think of the movie "The Secret". I believe that if I believe hard enough and strong enough and follow the rules of The Secret then the universe will provide. I believe this. I know I sound funny. I know I sound crazy. I know this. But I believe. I will always believe. I have the faith. I have faith that I will be taken care of. My wishes do come true. All of them. They maybe small but they come true is one way or another.

Today I have done what I have sent out to do. This evening will consist of going to see my mother and grandmother with the hubby, back home for some quiet time and get revved up for when my children come home tomorrow. Mini-Vaca is almost over. Going to use some DISTRESS TOLERANCE and read the rest of my book.

Today was fun. I got to hang out with my friends. We were going to see a movie but decided to get some dinner. So we went to Chipotle and order some movies on the x-box. We laughed and had a good time. When we got home after dinner more friends came over. So we watch a couple of movies and had a mini party. It was fun to chill and relax for a bit. Just have some fun.

I missed both my therapy and DBT today due to my teeth hurting like crazy. I played some dungeons and dragons to DISTRACT myself....that didn't work. I'm in so much pain that I went to bed early.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I got my teeth pulled a couple days ago. I'm allergic to all the good stuff so they gave me a low narcotic which barely takes the pain away...go thing my pain tolerance is very high.

Sunday we spent the whole day at Don and Harry's. It was fun. We played cards and watched the kids go sledding down the hill. Everything went smooth until we got home. Then they decided to loose their minds. My son was being sarcastic as all get out and the girls lost their minds talking back to me and their father. They were being totally rude and disrespectful.

Merry Christmas!!

My son is 16 now. This is very hard for me. I cried as soon as I saw him walk through the door. He has grown into a handsome, responsible young man. I'm very proud to call him my son. On another note my wonderful husband got me a gold and diamond necklace! He wanted me to wear it out to Harry's for Christmas.

On this day 16 years ago I gave birth to my first born son. So many emotions are flowing right now. My son is growing up. I used my WISE MIND to get through it. Also I cried. A LOT!

My friend and her boyfriend broke up today. She's been trying to tell him for weeks but he didn't want to believe it. Finally my friend put her foot down and made him leave. Got him a ride and everything. The only thing is that she did all this over the phone while she was at work.

I'm trying to get into a better sleeping habit. I trying to go to bed at a descent hour. Not much happened today. I'm sick and used DISTRACTION as a way to not be a baby. I read and played with my Kindle.

MY DREAM: My dreams tend to take the form of a movie. Actors in a sense... Red convertible in garage, Big house in California, Sister being hurt (not real sister...sister in dream), The person hurting her is in the shower, Grabbed everything and begged her to leave with me, Put on nude color high heals (I don't wear heals), A little boy helped us escape.

Everyone's sick in my house. Blah

Today I went shopping with my girlfriend and had a lovely time. You know girl talk and everything. We hit several different spots and stores. It was so much fun. We talked and discussed her issues with her boyfriend and life. My friend and her boyfriend are rapidly falling apart. I see and hear of him being mean and disrespectful to her and those around him. He's even mean to me. I tried to talk to him about getting some kind of help...mentally but he doesn't seem to want to listen. I can only hope and pray that he will take my advise and get some help before she leaves him.

I just got back from taking my friend the the emergency room. Total bummer she might have an ulcer. I asked her how could she be so young and have that much stress...she said her boyfriend.

Today a man walked into an Elementary school and shot over 20 people including children ages 6-7. There are reports that he might be autistic or have some sort of mental illness like BPD (borderline personality disorder). This sucks. To many triggers are happening today. I watched to President cry. I had to watch everything I could. It put things into perspective for me.

Today was lots of ups and downs. I started DBT and have many mixed feelings about that. I felt happy, sad, angry at myself, satisfied, troubled, worried and list can go on for a bit. Then on top of that I spotting a friend of mine flirting with someone other than her boyfriend. I felt hurt for a moment then wondered why she would do something like that. It's totally out of her normal element. When I called her out on it she tried to deny it. But I'm not stupid. When I told her I wasn't mad I was concerned she loosened up the reins and told me that she and her boyfriend are having a really hard time and she didn't know what to do. In that moment I went back to my DBT class and remembered EMOTIONAL MIND, RATIONAL MIND and WISE MIND. My RATIONAL MIND wanted to fix the problem. Sit them down and have a conversation about what was going on. My EMOTIONAL MIND wanted to hold her and cry with her. My WISE MIND however took over and I listened to her issues, gave my opinion and...

I sit here waiting to go to DBT and all I hear is two of the girls bitching over stupid shit. Well shit I don't want to listen to. It's like they don't care that someone else is in the room.... Keep your conversation quiet or to yourself.

Today I start DBT...again. I'm up late and was hoping against hope that I would be able to sleep right now. I'm thinking about smoking but I don't want to get out of bed. I took off most of my solar nails. And to my amazement I Have natural nails. Nice nails to boot. The only one left is my right thumb. All I know is it's going to be on the painful side when it does come off. Yesterday I went in for my consultation for my teeth. I have to get a couple removed, both on the left side. Funny thing is last time I went there I weighted 125 lbs or less and was in a major depression. Last time everything went smooth and it will this time. WOW it's been 3 years!!

I'm catching up on my blog posts. This will date back to December so bare with me lol

so my friends I will have what you want. a story of my life. I will be writing some thoughts that I've been thinking about for the last couple of week tomorrow. some interesting. some might be boring. but they are real and from the heart.

I want to try to write more this year. I want to keep myself updated in what I do. I know that it sounds weird but I don't have the same memory as I used to. Maybe if I write down my experiences I'll look back and see how much I have grown in a year. No matter how long or short I will do my best to write everyday.