I'm Living Bipolar 2

I'm sitting here alone drinking coffee puffin on a bowl and I'm listening, listening to all the sounds around me. The dogs barking outside. Cars and trucks driving by. TV upstairs and children moving around in their beds. And I can't help but thankful and grateful for my family my life. I am thankful for a roof over my head. I am thankful for the food that's in my belly. I'm thankful for the clothes on my back. I'm thankful for the ability to wash my clothes, my dishes, my home. I'm thankful to have a generous husband. Who loves me and takes care of me and worships the ground I walk on. I'm thankful for my children who loved me unconditionally for my faults and love. I'm thankful for my in-laws you have taken me into their family and love me as if I was their own. I'm thankful for the life that I have now I'm a short 20 years ago I didn't have a home. I lived in my car and now I have a family who loves me friends who care for me and the r...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I'm drunk. I don't know what to do. Happy. I'm sad. I don't give a fuck. I got denied today, for Social security. This sucks because I can't work. I go through panic attacks and bullshit that is the most horrible feeling on the planet and I can't work. I need No I want to be so fucking wealthy that I don't know what to do with all the money. I want to donate to charity. I want to go see the Opera for the fuck of it. I want my family to be envious of their big sister and know that I could help them at any point. To be fucking wealthy. to not have to worry about anything to go into a store and buy whatever the fuck I want. I want to drive a car so nice that people get out of the way for me. I want a house so big that it has its own movie theater hell its own bowling alley. I want I want I want.

It was January 30th 2016 when we signed the papers of our new house. Babbit and I were so ecstatic and so relieved. We had a guaranteed home. After living paycheck to paycheck for so long this was a breath of fresh air. We decided to remodel before we moved in and we gave ourselves six months. So no later than September 1st 2016 we were going to move in officially. Each one of my kids has their own room now. Even if they don't live with us they have their own room so to speak. My grandsons share a room / Nursery and they love to be together so we keep it that way. We even have in laws that live with us. My mother stays with us a couple weeks out of the year. My father in law however lives with us on a permanent basis. My mother in law lives in a modest house with her husband and dog. She lives a relaxing life and does not need to worry anymore. My father in law loves the library, he spends hours on end reading his books and watches his sci fi shows. Babbit has a room dedicated tota...

Today I got up at the butt crack of dawn. I had to babysit my almost 2 year old grandson because my daughter and son in law had to work. My son just found a new job which requires him to be up at 6 o'clock in the morning. This is something that he is a new at due to the fact that he never ever gets up with His only Son that are early. My daughter however gets up handles heard someone gets ready for work without complaint. I love my grandson so it's no bother to me to get up early to babysit. My husband however cannot do this for he is on a third shift schedule for the rest of his life. So I'm here babysitting for one waiting for my second grandchild to finish cooking so I could babysit him as well. Oh the life we lead as a grandmother.

I just found out that a young man I've known since he was a young teenager has passed away due to a heroin overdose. He left behind two children. This is hitting close to home. I knew this kid. He was a good kid....when I knew him. I wonder what sent him down that path? What happened after we moved that made him give up and do something that could kill you as soon as get you high. My heart breaks for his parents who only had 25 short years with their son. I feel for his child ren who will have to remember him through pictures and memories. For his friends who loved him so. Heroin and other street drugs has become a epidemic of huge proportions. Parents please talk to your children about the dangers of hard core drugs. Drugs that hook you as soon as you try it. The drugs that kill you. Teach them young. Teach them early. My mother showed me a video when I was a young teenage about what happens AFTER you die from a heroin overdose. It was horrific. I looked at my mother with tear...

I just stared at myself for a good 15 minutes practically naked and I hate my body. I've gained so much weight with my middle daughters pregnancy that it scares me. My oldest daughter gained almost 70 pounds with her pregnancy and I gained weight right along with her. My fear is I'm gaining just as much weight with my second grandchild. She's due within the next month and I can't wait just so I'll stop eating. I can't even look at myself without being disgusted and repulsed at my body, it's a terrible terrible feeling and I wish it on nobody. I wish I could feel pretty and thin and like a woman. That's it, at the beginning of 2016 I'm going on a freaking diet. I will restart Yoga, I will continue with meditation and I will be at my ideal weight by this time next year which is 130 pounds. I will do this at home as to the fact that I don't like to go out in public very much looking the way that I look. It's a personal thing and I just don't...

The last couple days have been a madhouse. I cooked. Cleaned. Play dice and entertained a shit ton of people. I missed two out of my four children. My two oldest girls went to get their aunts house to see the other side of their family. My oldest went home to put the baby to bed and my second oldest daughter came home and had 3 plates of food. The animals of the house also get some food. They got random bits of food off the plates of my guests as well as fried gizzards. I got up at the crack of dawn which, is 8 a.m. in my house to start the breakfast casserole and get my 20 pound bird in the oven. Mac and cheese was homemade, which by the way was brought to you by me as well as both cheese balls, pasta salad, spinach dip, brussel sprouts, corn, potatoes and and anything else your little heart desired. I did however forget the stuffing hahaha. There's always one item you seem to forget at Thanksgiving. The end of the night was spent drinking wine, laughing, and playing thunder dice ...

Today I went to see my theaprpist, nurse and case worker. My doc is cool as all get out. The nurse however is kind of a jerk. She keeps talking to me abt my weight. I don't want to know abt my weight. I just want to go on with my life. I know I'm overweight but who gives a shit. I don't. My husband doesn't care abt my waist size why should she. It's so annoying and insulting. Just leave it alone for crying out loud.

Two years ago I was admitted to Riverside Hospital for a second nervous breakdown. I admitted around 7pm, crying and a total mess. I changed into their hospital garb and was given meds to help me sleep. I cried almost everyday. Anything could and did make me cry. What embarrassed me most was my behavior that got me sent to the ER in the first place. I had a 3 day panic attack. I was embarrassed to tell to my family. To let them know I was okay and doing fine…it wasn't my first time being hospitalized you see. The first time I only did 3 days and was out in a blink. This time I was terrified that they might never let me out. I was given a number of different meds to stable me out emotionally. Some worked. Some were an epic failure. Some of the nurses were assholes and some were nice. The ones I got along with tend to be the second shifters. I don't know why, maybe  because I was admitted in the evening. Who knows.  I had to get up at the  crack of dawn (for me anyway) if I...

Six years ago today I went into the hospital for a mental break down. I was only 100 pounds and dropping weight fast. I was a wreak. I refused to eat infrit on anyone. I cried at a drop of a hat. I could do anything without feeling like a loser. It was miserable. I was miserable.  I remember that night I held the pills in my hand. My husband walked in and saw them. He immediately came to my aid not yelling or mad. He came to me peacefully and with love. He made two calls. One to my therapist and the other to my best friend. Both said the same thing. Take her to Netcare. So I went.  My husband drove me all the way across town and had to drop me off. He had to leave me to strangers. They had to take care of me. It was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. My heart raced as I waited for an opening in a facility. Someone to take a broken mother of four. OSU Pshyc took me.  The first night was difficult. Lots of talking and repeating everything that had hurt me. All my emot...

In a matter of days I will be thirty-nine. I'm having a difficult time with this. I don't want to get older. I don't feel older. I don't look older. Why do I have to age? I'm still young and sexy. I still have what it takes. Don't I?? At least I'm hoping so. Life had been rough. Pregnant daughter living at home with no job prospects. Son who's out looking for a job everyday is getting nothing. The youngest is struggling I in school and I don't know how to help her bc I don't understand it myself. I have my oldest daughter talking about leaving the father of her child if he doesn't get off his ass a work. Also a FIL who never leaves. I swear he wants to move in but doesn't know how to ask us. Maybe once the kids are out of the house. Then maybe. When the hubs got fired last month that fucked us up really bad. Now we're struggling and I don't know how to fix it. I used to say that we didn't have drama in our lives. It was always...

My step-daughter is pregnant (13 wks). I don't like the way she's been treating me and the rest of my family. She's been short tempered and plain bitchy. I know it could be the hormones but come on. A person can only take so much. I understand the uncontrollable crying and the moodiness but she takes it to a whole new level. She is downright mean. She rolls her eyes. Screams on the top of her lungs if she doesn't get her way and she stomps away like a 2 year child. She refuses to do anything that we tell her. I have told my husband that it's me or her but every time she finds somewhere to go she backs out the last minute. So she has to stay with us again. She won't leave. And personally I'm not going to kick out an eighteen year old pregnant kid. I'll leave if I have to. I'll go somewhere. Maybe visit my mother in California. Who knows. I'm really lost and don't know what to do. Even my therapist has told me she has to go. But where can she g...

I'm feeling tired. There I said it. I'm ridiculously tired. But I try not to show it. I try to put on a brave face. For my husband. My kids. Everyone. On the inside all I want to do is lay in bed eating jellybeans and drink wine. I want to scream at some people and find others and hug them. What's wrong with me. One day I have to much empathy now I feel like I'm loosing it. Empathy was my superpower. My go to. Where has it gone? Where can I find it again? I need a moment of reflection. I need to be one with the earth. I need to go camping with just my husband. A weekend away. Just the two of us. I need that more than anything. I'm trying  so hard. To be the best mother. Wife. Sister. Daughter. Friend. I'm trying and that is all I can do.

Oh my goodness I'm fucking going crazy. I've waiting for the other shoe to drop and it has. However, I can't do my breakdown like I want to. I just want to sleep or stay in bed but I can't. I want to cry but can't. Fuck these feelings all ready. I'm done with them. I don't want them any more. Good fucking night bitches! 👿👿😖😖😫😫😒😒😬😬😡😡💩💩💩

I have meaning. I have purpose. I'm wanted. I'm loved. I live a wonderful life. I have 4 great children. A grandson that I would die for. In laws that I can actually be around. All in all I'm having the most wonderful time on this planet. I'm blessed to live in the USA. To have my children born and raised in a good town with family and friends surrounding them everyday. I'm grateful for my husband. My son. My daughters. I'm just so grateful. So blessed. That is all.  

I'm sitting in the tub listening to music and relaxing. Candlelight, incense, green and my phone. As I write this I'm smoking a bowl of some serious killer herb. This shit needs to be legalized. I'm not talking a few states here and there. I'm talking about everyone having the option to smoke some stank should they feel the need to do so. When you smoke the only thing you do is eat, sleep and eat again. That's it. People have to be smart though. You can't go to work high. You can't drive high. You can't. That would be wrong. If you're chilling at your own house at 8:30 at night and you want to pop on a Big Bang or Mike & Molly on that ole DVR or TeVo and blaze a doobie you should be able too. You're not hurting anyone. It's natural. God made it. Native American Indian tribes used it. Hell it's actually good for you. If you give it a chance you will see. It helps with pain. Headaches. Upset tummy. Eye trouble. The list can be endless. ...

I made up my mind and got dreads. I did them myself. I looked them up on Pintrest and watched a video on YouTube. I also dreaded up my daughters hair. I also colored my hair purple. I feel better about myself when I have some funky color in my hair. For example purple or blue. I prefer purple as you can see. The man you see in this picture is my husband. We've had so e hard times but through it all we've stayed strong. Our friends have actually look up to us when it comes to relationships. We've been married just over ten years but have been together for twenty. We have four children and now a grandchild. I've also been hospitalized twice for breakdowns. Once for three days the last stay was a week. I have several different mental illness issues that I've talked about in previous posts. I'm starting to redo a DBT course to help refresh myself on my skills. I'm trying so hard to find who I am. Listening to music more and more and starting to knit again. Here...

Wow. Has it been almost a year since I wrote anything. And what a year it's been. My last entry was in May so I'll start there.  My best friend cheated on her husband of 5 years with someone she worked with. I let her stay with us for several months. She ate my food. Drank my juice and slept on my couch. I was there for her for every tear. Every sob. I tried to help pick up the broken pieces of her life, but she didn't want any part of it. She was being selfish. She was only thinking of herself. She left her daughter with her father and went on her own. Because she was always in her car blaring her music. She jumped from one man to another for months. When she finally found someone that she liked, she wouldn't let us meet him. I thought that it was odd, but I let it go. By the end of January 2015 I no longer had a best friend. She talked to much shit about me. Talking about how I'm toxic and she wants to get rid of all the crap in her life. So I don't talk ...