I'm Living Bipolar 2

I hate being me sometimes. Just the thought of having to be around someone with me is just bull shit. I don't like it at all. I've taken meds. Still take my meds...sometimes. I just hate myself. Very much so 

I can't sleep. It could be that ate a shit ton of jelly beans but that's besides the point. I just have so much on my mind. My son has his first physiatrist appointment first thing I the morning. He's been battling depression for a couple years now however his father always used a more holistic approach. I myself believe that my should have been in therapy when my father passed away but alas we are here. So first thing in the morning we see Dr. Kahn. I've never met this doctor but I've done my research. Anyway my son is scared and so am I. I know that he is depressed but we just don't know how bad. He has had it rough for the last couple years. My father, whom he was very close to, passed away. Three years later his great-grandfather passed away. Then his father has embraced his step-son and left his son behind. So my son came home to me in January. It's been interesting to say the least. So many doctor appointments for so many things. CAT scan. MRI scan. Ma...

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I have found that I like to be naked in bed. Or at least only panties. I sleep better with the little restriction and feel better about myself. It's weird I know. I sometimes think how can I be naked in bed, but think that I'm a big fat blog all the time. Good question...that I don't know the answer. All I know is that when I decide the go to bed I like to get undressed and slip under sheets and sleep a peaceful slumber. And I know for a fact that the hubs likes it. What I said about my sex life in another post is coming to light. My sex life is becoming amazing. Almost every night this week. My life is turning around and I have this blog and my positive thinking as well as the Universe to thank. I feel good. I look good. My kids are fine human beings who stand up for what they believe. My husband treats me like a Queen. And I love to be naked in bed. 

This weekend was a weekend of sleeping naked and feeling sexy. It's not often that I feel sexy. I know that my husband thinks I'm sexy but it's another thing to think of myself as sexy. On Saturday my hubs let me sleep in till 5 pm. No disruptions. It was great. I need to get some more sexier stuff to wear to bed. Old boxers and tank tops only go so far. I want to be sexy all the time. I wanna make my husband feel like he's gonna explode every time he comes to bed. I want it all. 

When you have borderline personality disorder it's easy to get lost in the black and white thinking if things. You forget about the grey parts. You forget that there is always more to the story then what is to be expected. Maybe something is going on on the other side. Maybe this thing is more important and need 100% attention. I have to learn to move forward. Forget about the past and think about the future. That's what I need to do. Think about the future. My goals. My dreams. What I want. Not what someone else thinks I should do. Shit I'm my own person I should be able to do whatever the fuck I want. I want my own money to these things I want to do. I want the universe to hear my calls and answer them fully. No more black and white. I want color in my life. I want to see greens and blues and reds. I want to feel the colors. I want.....

I have no idea who the fuck I am. I really have no idea. Who am I? I like the outdoors but hate leaving my house. I love art but scared to go to a musium. I feel myself changing. In so many ways. Damn it! What am I going to do? Late 30's and I feel like a someone who is just starting her life. I wanna go dancig. I wanna go to a ballet. I wanna be rich. I wanna have everything I ever wanted. I want to walk in to a store and say I take that and buy what ever I want. I want to drive a fabulous car with enough room for everyone. I want a healthy marriage. I want a miraculous sex life. I want a house so big that I hear an echo. I want jewelry everywhere. I want so many clothes that makes people scream with delight. I want a different handbag for everyday of the year. I want to be the bell of the ball. I want to be so happy that my happiness makes others happy. I want to be healthy and full of life and vigor. I want to be loved and adored by everyone. I want to ooze respect when I walk i...

When you talk to someone whether it's a boy or girl at least your talking. If they make you feel young then more power to them. At least they are building you up not tearing you down.

I'm feeling like I have no where I can go to talk freely anymore. Or do anything without someone watching or commenting. It's very frustrating.

When u recover from borderline personality disorder you tend to have find yourself. Or reinvent yourself. You get to be someone whom you've always wanted to be like. I find that I feel like a teenager at times. I'm trying to find out who this person is that keeps looking back at me in the mirror. Is she someone who is funny? Someone who is aggressive? Flirty? Sensitive? Boho? Hipster?  So many different type and kinda of people out there. I do now that I like bits and pieces if each. And I like that.

Today was a good day. I took my youngest to her therapy session. Then we went and hung out at the OSU Barnes and Noble bookstore. Then my husband and I went to the movies and saw the Lego movie. We ate there....dine in theater. Came home. Chilled and now time for bed. Goodnight.

Well I know that I've been gone for a long time. I'm hoping that with this new phone I will be able to write more. So much has happened since we last talked. My father in law, step daughter and her boyfriend moved out. I'm a Grandmother to an adorable little boy. I've started my own business and feel really confident about it. You should check it out stephaniejette.kitsylane.com We have jewelry and such for good prices. Check it out. Also my step daughter K is doing much better. He behavior is good and she's blossoming into a wonderful young women. Here's to 2014.