I'm Living Bipolar 2

It's the last day of January. Out of 31 days I only missed one day of journaling. Not to shabby.

Today had been an up and down kind of day. I awoke with a start and haven't really recovered from it. The information that at I had scared me to know end. Anxiety through the roof. By the evening hours my heart was calmed with good news. I was relieved not only for me but the other party as well. Needless to say I am wiped. Exhaustion is in my bones. 

It's a sad cold hard fact that sometimes your insurance runs out and you have to go without your meds. This is happening to us next month. Both my husband and myself are losing our only way to pay for our pharmaceuticals. This is going to be an adjustment that I don't know if I can handle. I haven't gone without my medication for over 4 years. I finally have a cocktail that works for me. Took forever to get it right as well. This is concerning for me. I am happy that cannabis will never run out on me. I have a steady supply of this leafy medication. Now all we need is our dispensaries up and running and everything will be okay. Only a couple more months.

Grubhub contacted Dad (Don) today and we sent over my name and a good email they could reach me at. I'm getting closer. One step closer. I'm getting excited.

My husband is no longer getting disability from the government anymore. He is able to work and little or much as possible. This I am hoping is a good thing. We're loosing income and that is scary. I'm trying to use a budget plan but I'm having a hard time getting everyone else on board. They're being reluctant and that scares me also. I don't want to have to be the tough evil one who only thinks about money but someone does... Right?!

I'm having flare-ups after flare-ups for the last couple days. I'm in pain and want to cry. I've had a stressful couple of days which is why I'm having flare-ups in the first place. Ugh.

Today my oldest grandchild turns 4. Oh, how time flies by. I remember singing sweet songs to put him to sleep. I remember the first time he said my name. Beastie, he called me. It was adorable.

Having a bad day. Sore and achy. Fibromyalgia has got me something fierce. Goodnight.

I went to a different nail salon than I've been going to, and let me tell you I will NOT be going back. I wanted to take the fake nails off. I sat there for 45 min soaking my nails. If I had gone to my usual place they would of popped them off and filed them down. It's what they did before. However this chick had me sitting forever, watching the News of all things and doing nothing. I couldn't look at my phone, read a book or anything. I was so bored. I look up and see a free cocktail, one per customer. I thought great I'll get a glass of wine and that'll make up for their rudeness. Well,  I never got that glass. They never even offered me water. So disappointing. When it came to filing a shape into my nails I couldn't. I wanted rounded buy they were so weak they would break off. When I brought it to her attention she blew off, bent the nail and said it was fine. I told her I didn't like it and to file them down. She rolled her eyes and proceeded to file. Th...

Work has been draining me. I feel like I'm not doing enough or not getting enough credit for what I do. I'm in and out of the car for 8 hours a day. My legs feel like jelly by the time I get home. I just want to crawl into bed and chill. Meditate, read and listen to quiet music. Is that to much to ask?

Meditating with toddler can be exciting, to say the least. Today as I was starting to meditate my grandson came in and started to okay with his toy car. I had my guided mediation playing on my phone. He listened for a minute, playing loudly, then came over and sat quietly on my lap. I didn't even need to prompt him. He knew what to do. Now don't get it twisted, he babbled the whole time. He played with his car and continued to be a toddler. The point is he knew what to do by my example. Children just need to have a positive role model in their lives and they can do anything. I'm very blessed to have had this moment with my grandchild. After it was said and done Biggie was calmer and more relaxed. Mediation is for everyone. Age is NOT a factor.

Grubhub is hiring in my area!! I'm so happy. I'm sending an email almost every day so I can finish my application. I believe that I'll get the job. It would be perfect for Babbit and I. Not to have to work of dad all the time. To have our own... To make our money! Wow! That would be tops!! This could be my year! 2018 baby!!

Today has been a calm day. We chose not to bombard ourselves and take it easy. So I don't have a lot to write. I've been meditating on a regular and it feels good. Taking 15 minutes out of my day to reflect and be centered. I believe it's helping me. Also journaling everyday helps tremendously. Putting things down on paper and/or putting it out there on a computer, either way I'm getting it all out. All I have to work on is my weight. I need to loose 30+ lbs to feel good about myself.

Today was therapy day and know what? She actually listened, again. I explained that my current medication Rimeron wasn't working the way I wanted it to, so I wanted to stop taking it. She listened to my reason (weight gain, I gained 20 lbs in 3 months) and realized that it was important to me and said that I didn't need to continue taking it. So now I get to work on getting my figure back. My weight will fall off (hopefully) and things will get back to normal.

Read and finished a 350 page book in a matter of hours. I spent all day reading and enjoying a snow day. Winter has hit hard in Columbus. We have a shit ton of snow already and it's not even half way through the winter. As I age I appreciate the change of seasons a whole lot more. I love watching the leaves change color in the Autumn and bud new leaves in the Spring. New adventures are out there... I just have to find an them.

SNOW DAY! Awoke to a winter wonderland this morning. Can't drive and deliver in this (though I sorta wish we could), too cold and the roads are shit. But I was very pleased with today. I've crocheted some of my blanket. Started a really good book, The Nest. Meditated. Smoked. Just relaxed all day. I needed this too. I've been frazzled as of late. Stressed if you will. So I needed a day off schedule.  A random me day.

Music. I love music. All kids if music. If it has a beat or smooth notes, I like you. Right now I'm listening to Liquid Mind radio on Amazon Music. I love the peacefulness and fluid notes.

Yesterday there was a blizzard in Columbus and I started to read The Music Shop by Rachel Joyce. It's about a man with a you guessed it, a music shop. He meets a girl, falls in love etc etc. I'm only half way through and I had to put it down. I read 100 pages in a matter of a hour or so. Which is not an easy feat for me. I'm on my third book of the year and love this idea of mine. This adventure is making me happy.

I feel fat. I look overweight. However, according to my doctors I'm generally healthy. I have put of 15 lbs in 3 months and don't like it. I know it's a side effect of my medication but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I've changed what I eat, how I eat, when I eat and who I eat with. I hate diets and refuse to "use" one. I need to do something. Maybe I'll start yoga again?

Posting to post something today. Don't feel like writing anything.

Generic food is the best! Off brand, you know. Sometimes, they are even better then the name brand. And they tend to be cheaper. Take this photo, these are an off brand cheese crackers from Aldi's. This box cost less than 2 dollars. Name brand at Kroger would cost almost 4 dollars. So you tell me...which would you buy?! What make generic food even better? Cannabis!

I'm about to read my third book this year. The Music Shop by Rachel Joyce. Seems interesting in its own right. We'll see. I couldn't finish the last book I read. Only had 30 pages to go and it was so boring I didn't care about the ending. Move on right.

I'm sick. Not with depression, not fibromyalgia, not even bipolar. Today it's the flu (or something just as nasty). Trying to keep on the positive side but I hurt all over.

Today is a bipolar day. I went to work (even though I didn't want to), dealt with the cold and snow all day and twisted my knee. I've been depressed all day and my stomach is showing signs of sickness. Only good thing... I finished my first Ernest Hemingway book, The Sun Also Rises. I liked the writing style. It was easy to read and the story was to the point. I would like to take a class and discuss it with educated people. But not to educated... I don't want look stupid.

Just needed something to write today. Took the day off because Babbitt wasn't feeling well or didn't sleep well. Either way, we're not working. Kinda stressing out any it too. When I have to much stress my fibromyalgia flares up and I'm miserable. So now I'm taking it easy, laying back, meditating, reading and having a comfortable day off.

Ernest Hemingway. He's up there with Jack Kerouac. His description of the lost generation is astonishing. Why didn't I read these books when I was younger? The answer is simple... I wasn't ready. I'm ready now. Universe, I'm ready.

Today would be my Gammy's 98th birthday. Wow, to live almost a century. To live and see what she has seen. That would he amazing. I've always thought about what my grandma went through at my age. By the time she was my age (41) she has 2 young kids and a young adult. What a time. It was 1961. She lived in a little house on North side of town. He husband loving and doing what needs to be done for his family. Both in Columbus and New York. You see, my mother was the product of a forbidden love. A love child if you will. 11 months later my uncle was born. So within a year she had 2 children and a pre-teen. To raise children in the 60's, wow. In Columbus to boot. To see the marches. To feel the energy. To be in her shoes. She started with nothing. A dirt floor to a 3 bdrm in Columbus. She was an envy of her friends. My grandpa was a man among men. He dabbled in everything. From jewelry to furniture. He was the guy you went to when you needed anything. And he got it. He was a ma...

Today is my youngest grandsons birthday. Today Little Christopher Alexander Michael, aka Biggie is 2 years old. I can't believe it. He's growing into such a little man. He's a champ at the stairs. He plays pretend when he thinks no one is watching. He loves cars and music. He loves to dance and play the drums. He's intelligent and so wise. He loves his momma and worships he pawpaw. He listens when he's called and loves to eat... Anything lol. Baby boy, I'm excited to see what this year has to bring. Love you Nugget.

First day of another year. 2018 should be a year of enlightenment and peace. It will be. I believe it will be.