I'm Living Bipolar 2

This is my last post of 2017. Let's recap. I started working food delivery in April and been on a roll since. I work 6 days a week and snuggle daily to do so. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in June, but been medicated for it since 2013 and didn't even know. I've become a more intense advocate for cannabis and mental illness. I've helped people come out of their shells and bloom right before my eyes. My husband has been amazingly supportive and my favorite cheerleader. My children have grown into wonderful adults and now it's my turn to blossom. 2018 is going to he a rocking year. I can feel it!

Started a new color for the blanket. Red, white & blue multi-color. Pretty.

My oldest son turned 21. He's a full adult. He can buy a pack of smokes and a beer to go with it. And yes,  he still needs me and for that I'm forever grateful.

I'm crocheting a blanket for my husband. I'm half way done and I'm not gonna lie, I like it. It's a lot like me. Lots of colors (personality) and different edges (emotions). He knows I'm making this. I've been working on it for over a year. He likes it,  that's all that matters.

Finished On The Road by Jack Kerouac and fell in love with Dean and Sal. Everyone should read this book. The symbolism was amazing. The writing was immaculate. Couldn't recommend more.

Blah. That is all.

I'm reading On The Road by Jack Kerouac and I have to say.... I LOVE IT! I wish I could go to a University lecture on his writing. That would be amazing. To sit and discuss the symbolism and meaning behind every word. That would be a great day.

Today marks three years of my Gammy's death as well as the day we said goodbye to my Uncle. It was a heartfelt and kind. Laughter was had and love was felt. Wonderful things were said in memory of him. I even got a jacket he wore in his younger years. I'll miss him dearly. My son had a moment that I would like to share: while sitting in the pew my son was looking everywhere but to the person talking. Finally when he looked up he said he saw Uncle David with my dad and grandma. I believe him too. He's a very special soul. He was blessed with this memory. As was I.

I wish I was artistic. I mean like sit down and paint mind of shit. I wanna have an art studio. With an easel and a platter of paint. I wanna paint trees and Mountains. Landscapes and cabins. Bob Ross style. Or abstract art. Something that looks wierd it odd to one looks brilliant to another. Light streaming through the windows. Drafts on the wall. Tapestry hanging on the walls. Scarves on the lamp shade.

There are times when I just want to be alone. I want to be alone a lot, but never get it. I would love alone time. But never seem to get what I want. At least not right now. Soon. Very soon, I'll have an apartment with only my husband and I. We'll have a small dog and a cat. We'll live in a flat with NO steps. I'll have a microwave over my stove and a water dispenser in my fridge. I'll also have a breakfast bar with four stools to sit on. Just enough for my kids or grandkids to sit for cereal. My living room with have plush carpet of a hunter green. The walls will be a pleasant shade of blue. My couch will wrap around with a funky shape coffee table in front of it. My flat screen will be big but not to big. The hallway will be covered in family pictures and treasured art pieces dine by my kids and grandkids. My bedroom will be different shades purple and cream. King size bed with lots and lots of pillows. I will also sleigh bed frame. I'll have a comfortable sit...

I am drunk... Hahaha maybe not really drunk, but drunk non the less. That's all. But I can add later...

My daughter is actively dating. She's 19 and told ke she's been seeing her best friends boyfriend brother. Does that make sense? Hope so. Anyhooo, I don't know this guy. I didn't set her up. How do I come to terms with the fact that she has found someone not mommy approved... Yet. Supposedly he's a good guy. Has a job. Doesn't drive. Which can be a good thing. He graduated high school and he is her age. In fact she's a tad bit older (by like a week). The most annoying thing is I don't know if I'm ready. I should be, but I'm just not.

Today I ran. That's right, I ran. Of course it was to keep warm. But I ran. Needless to say I'm in enormous amount of pain, but I ran today.

I'm always in pain. There's never a day that goes by that pain doesn't radiate over some part of my body. Shoulder. Thighs. Feet. Everyday is something different. Sometimes the pain is local. One spot. Throbbing. Then the next day it's in a different spot and it's burning or freezing even. It doesn't make sense. It never has. I didn't think anything of my aches and pains until I talked to my mother. She talked to me about fibromyalgia. I looked it up and did my research. I found out a lot of my symptoms were the same as hers. I met the criteria. I immediately called and made an appointment with my family physician. I told him my symptoms and he agreed. I was diagnosed in June with fibromyalgia. I also found out that my pain could be a lot worse. The medication I take for my depression and bipolar disorder is the same medication for fibromyalgia. So I've been medicated for the last 3 years and didn't even know it. I could of been in so much more pain....

Today was therapy day. I dread these days. I have to get showered, dressed and make myself presentable. I have to get weighed and I really hate that. But today was a bit different. My doc actually listened to me and what I had to say. I told her about all the death that has happened over the last 30 days. The guy from my Instagram community, my friend who killed herself and then my Uncle. So many emotions and she didn't put down a one of them. When it came to my meds she read them off and didn't recommend changing anything. Maybe today with all the bullshit and drama she didn't want me to go through more. Who knows?! Who cares! My meds stay the same and all is right with the world.

Today I left the house and it didn't involve work. I went to a coffee shop to have coffee with my childhood girlfriend. We talked for about a hour or so and just chatted it up. She even brought me cookies. What a sweetheart. I've known this girl for over 30 years. We met in elementary school and became fast friends. Through time our relationship has grown. From little girls playing with Barbies to teenagers sneaking cigarettes in the lacrosse field to adults drinking coffee and talking about old times. Both married and live full lives. I had kids, she had cats. It's good to have friends. Even when you only see them once or twice a month.

I'm starting to come out if my depression funk. Thanks to friends and an awesome support system I can recover pretty fast. I've reached out to social media sites, medical websites, and different holistic apps to get help. Needless to say, I've done my research. I have people I can go to and they understand me and don't show judgement. Each of us deserve this in our life. My support system is amazing. I have friends and family who love me for me and respect me and the choices make. Don't get me wrong, it's taking 20+ years of on and off therapy, different cocktails of meds and two stints in mental hospitals to get where I am. The point is I'm here and I'm staying.

Today I got my first dab rig. I'm so happy. A girlfriend or mine from another social media outlet sent it to me along with some really cool stickers. I'm so blessed that I have friends that will send me some love. I'm hoping to repay the favor sometime soon. Pay it forward sort of thing. Did the season.

Yesterday my Uncle David died. He was 60. He went through life laughing all the way. He drank, smoked & he had fun. I'll miss you dearly. So many emotions are going through my mind. Feeling numb and unsure. The only truth is that Heaven exists and he is whole and happy again.

When I'm not feeling complete or having a bipolar day I know that this station will make me feel better. Music has always been an escape for me. I prefer alternitve tunes, the tunes that make you think. Poetry is in the music. In the beat. The words, sounds, emotions that run amok in my head quiet down with music. It gives me a reprieve of sorts. Let's me think clearly. https://play.google.com/music/m/A537i74wogwgt3nm6ig7uxh2ngy?t=The_Neighbourhood

I have fibromyalgia, bipolar 2 disorder, borderline personality disorder, eating disorder, PMDD and major depression issues. The little things are hard everyday. The pain in my legs is unbareable at times. Like today my legs burned and felt like a thousand needles running through my veins. I never know what's going to happen next. It's been at least a month and a half since my last flare-up. Depression sets in and I don't want to do shit. I feel horrible about it too. There is nothing I can do about it. Everyday is different.

Ever feel like giving up? Just letting the world swallow you up whole? I feel this way almost every day of my life. I want to give up. Runaway, never to be heard from again. Go somewhere warm and sunny. Away from heartache and pain. Then I realize that I can't runaway from anything. It'll always follow me. I'll miss too many people and they would miss me. But why can't we start over? Why can't just pick up and go. If you want to follow, fine. Just keep going. Roam and go with the weather. Stay warm and dry. I want this. I want to be free. To fly. To let go. . . . #bipolar #bipolardisorder #bipolarblogger #fibromyalgia #blog #newpost #feelings #thoughts #whatgoesoninmyhead #runaway #feelfree # feelings

https ://youtu.be/6wwkhnttxFg

https://youtu.be/upOPg2Rmmec

Wisdom Story: "Bad Temper" --------------------------- "There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day, the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. ...

Out of all the different social media outlets, I prefer Instagram. Here's a place I can be myself and show ppl who I really am. I have Facebook account and barely use it. I tweet in a regular but Instagram is the only place I feel like myself. I tell you who I am. It's different from day to day, of course. But that's the point, isn't it? To SHOW you who I am. To put it out there. I'm someone who suffers from bipolar and fights anorexia everyday. I'm as normal as anyone else on here. I'm proud of that. I'm proud of who I've become. I am ME! . . . #bipolarblogger #bipolardisorder #bipolar #blogger #emotions #feels #IamwhoIam #proudofwhoIam #livingdaytoday #fighter #anorexia #battle #winner

https://youtu.be/FGdu8sP4j_0

https://youtu.be/5kOUgeWFhOM

Holy shit. I'm sitting at the therapist office and this woman won't stop talking lol. Apparently dhe needs therapy just as bad as me. I wonder what her story is? What is she really thinking? Why is she only discussing a couple of issues? Politics is not okay to discuss in a waiting room. I don't care what your policies are...I don't want to know. I'm understanding that her daughter is here and seeing a therapist. Only from my perspective she doesn't care and only wants to complain. Misery loves company...right?! My question to y'all is why me?? Why do ppl seem to think that I'm this person who cares. I do, but only on somethings. I don't need to know your deep down beliefs. I'm not a councilor. Why me? My rant is over.

https://youtu.be/0wQlhEx0-jc

https://youtu.be/uBs8kButmgk

https://youtu.be/WtF4Kuvmy-A

https://play.google.com/music/m/T4sy7s56yyiblibmx3wrmd5voam?t=The_Golden_State_-_City_and_Colour

https://youtu.be/vycSrrLlgFY

https://youtu.be/r0JYp5AJzSs

I'm in the tub and I'm keep thinking abt a dream I've been having. Shall I share? I shall. I'm on a major campus (like OSU) and I'm walking up, down and over. I seem to know exactly where I want to go and get there. I roads are paved with full trees and as the wind blow, I'm reminded of a simplier time. A time that was precious and I was unbreakable to the world. I walk into a house with many rooms. I go to a room that feels comfortable and I feel at home and peaceful. I sit down at a desk and start to write. What I was writing, I do not know. I saw a smile and a calm demeanour, I wasn't worried or stressed. When I was done writing I want to the window and looked out on the people walking by. They're coming and goings were delightful to watch. I felt good about myself and where I was in that moment. I continue to feel this feeling. The feeling of calmness and serenity throughout my day today. I didn't worry or get stressed. I didn't have to w...

This is somethings that I have decided to do. 1. Yoga everyday 2. Read for 30 min a day 3. Work on my knitting for 30 min a day 4. Meditate every morning These are things I want to do everyday. I want to get healthy. I want to be a peace with myself. I'm going to make a dedication to this new beginning. I don't want to call it New Year Resolution, because they never work out. No one ever does what they say they're going to say. I need to do this. I need to get healthy. I got a medical scare this week and decided that it was the perfect time to get healthy and work on myself. My children are grown and they don't need me as much as I think they do and the grandbabies are a wonderful distraction from daily life.  I've spent the last couple days unpacking. Yes, I still haven't unpacked ALL the boxes. I still needed to get my stuff organized. Well, this weekend I did just that. I made a space for me. Somewhere I can relax and be centered. This is going to...

Time for a little personal entry. For the last 6 weeks I haven't stopped. I've run around and been so busy I crash before midnight. I understand that sounds like a great schedule, it is. However, I like to hang out with my family at night and lately I've been so tired that I fall asleep before I can say hello. Well today I get a day of relaxation. I refuse to lift a finger today. I'm in bed as we speak, drinking coffee, listening to football and smoking some fine herb. I'm not doing dishes, laundry or cleaning my room. Nor am I babysitting at any point today. All parents are off and watching their own kids. I'm relaxing. I need this so bad. I have asked my children to do the housework for the day. Some do this on a regular basis, but some do not. Those are the ones that need to clean and do the laundry. I hope that they will come to their senses and do what is asked of them. I HOPE! As for me, I'm going to enjoy a quiet day in my room. Listening to music ...

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