I'm Living Bipolar 2

Two years ago I was admitted to Riverside Hospital for a second nervous breakdown. I admitted around 7pm, crying and a total mess. I changed into their hospital garb and was given meds to help me sleep. I cried almost everyday. Anything could and did make me cry. What embarrassed me most was my behavior that got me sent to the ER in the first place. I had a 3 day panic attack. I was embarrassed to tell to my family. To let them know I was okay and doing fine…it wasn't my first time being hospitalized you see. The first time I only did 3 days and was out in a blink. This time I was terrified that they might never let me out. I was given a number of different meds to stable me out emotionally. Some worked. Some were an epic failure. Some of the nurses were assholes and some were nice. The ones I got along with tend to be the second shifters. I don't know why, maybe  because I was admitted in the evening. Who knows.  I had to get up at the  crack of dawn (for me anyway) if I...

Six years ago today I went into the hospital for a mental break down. I was only 100 pounds and dropping weight fast. I was a wreak. I refused to eat infrit on anyone. I cried at a drop of a hat. I could do anything without feeling like a loser. It was miserable. I was miserable.  I remember that night I held the pills in my hand. My husband walked in and saw them. He immediately came to my aid not yelling or mad. He came to me peacefully and with love. He made two calls. One to my therapist and the other to my best friend. Both said the same thing. Take her to Netcare. So I went.  My husband drove me all the way across town and had to drop me off. He had to leave me to strangers. They had to take care of me. It was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. My heart raced as I waited for an opening in a facility. Someone to take a broken mother of four. OSU Pshyc took me.  The first night was difficult. Lots of talking and repeating everything that had hurt me. All my emot...

In a matter of days I will be thirty-nine. I'm having a difficult time with this. I don't want to get older. I don't feel older. I don't look older. Why do I have to age? I'm still young and sexy. I still have what it takes. Don't I?? At least I'm hoping so. Life had been rough. Pregnant daughter living at home with no job prospects. Son who's out looking for a job everyday is getting nothing. The youngest is struggling I in school and I don't know how to help her bc I don't understand it myself. I have my oldest daughter talking about leaving the father of her child if he doesn't get off his ass a work. Also a FIL who never leaves. I swear he wants to move in but doesn't know how to ask us. Maybe once the kids are out of the house. Then maybe. When the hubs got fired last month that fucked us up really bad. Now we're struggling and I don't know how to fix it. I used to say that we didn't have drama in our lives. It was always...

My step-daughter is pregnant (13 wks). I don't like the way she's been treating me and the rest of my family. She's been short tempered and plain bitchy. I know it could be the hormones but come on. A person can only take so much. I understand the uncontrollable crying and the moodiness but she takes it to a whole new level. She is downright mean. She rolls her eyes. Screams on the top of her lungs if she doesn't get her way and she stomps away like a 2 year child. She refuses to do anything that we tell her. I have told my husband that it's me or her but every time she finds somewhere to go she backs out the last minute. So she has to stay with us again. She won't leave. And personally I'm not going to kick out an eighteen year old pregnant kid. I'll leave if I have to. I'll go somewhere. Maybe visit my mother in California. Who knows. I'm really lost and don't know what to do. Even my therapist has told me she has to go. But where can she g...

I'm feeling tired. There I said it. I'm ridiculously tired. But I try not to show it. I try to put on a brave face. For my husband. My kids. Everyone. On the inside all I want to do is lay in bed eating jellybeans and drink wine. I want to scream at some people and find others and hug them. What's wrong with me. One day I have to much empathy now I feel like I'm loosing it. Empathy was my superpower. My go to. Where has it gone? Where can I find it again? I need a moment of reflection. I need to be one with the earth. I need to go camping with just my husband. A weekend away. Just the two of us. I need that more than anything. I'm trying  so hard. To be the best mother. Wife. Sister. Daughter. Friend. I'm trying and that is all I can do.

Oh my goodness I'm fucking going crazy. I've waiting for the other shoe to drop and it has. However, I can't do my breakdown like I want to. I just want to sleep or stay in bed but I can't. I want to cry but can't. Fuck these feelings all ready. I'm done with them. I don't want them any more. Good fucking night bitches! 👿👿😖😖😫😫😒😒😬😬😡😡💩💩💩

I have meaning. I have purpose. I'm wanted. I'm loved. I live a wonderful life. I have 4 great children. A grandson that I would die for. In laws that I can actually be around. All in all I'm having the most wonderful time on this planet. I'm blessed to live in the USA. To have my children born and raised in a good town with family and friends surrounding them everyday. I'm grateful for my husband. My son. My daughters. I'm just so grateful. So blessed. That is all.