I'm Living Bipolar 2

This is my last post of 2017. Let's recap. I started working food delivery in April and been on a roll since. I work 6 days a week and snuggle daily to do so. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in June, but been medicated for it since 2013 and didn't even know. I've become a more intense advocate for cannabis and mental illness. I've helped people come out of their shells and bloom right before my eyes. My husband has been amazingly supportive and my favorite cheerleader. My children have grown into wonderful adults and now it's my turn to blossom. 2018 is going to he a rocking year. I can feel it!

Started a new color for the blanket. Red, white & blue multi-color. Pretty.

My oldest son turned 21. He's a full adult. He can buy a pack of smokes and a beer to go with it. And yes,  he still needs me and for that I'm forever grateful.

I'm crocheting a blanket for my husband. I'm half way done and I'm not gonna lie, I like it. It's a lot like me. Lots of colors (personality) and different edges (emotions). He knows I'm making this. I've been working on it for over a year. He likes it,  that's all that matters.

Finished On The Road by Jack Kerouac and fell in love with Dean and Sal. Everyone should read this book. The symbolism was amazing. The writing was immaculate. Couldn't recommend more.

Blah. That is all.

I'm reading On The Road by Jack Kerouac and I have to say.... I LOVE IT! I wish I could go to a University lecture on his writing. That would be amazing. To sit and discuss the symbolism and meaning behind every word. That would be a great day.

Today marks three years of my Gammy's death as well as the day we said goodbye to my Uncle. It was a heartfelt and kind. Laughter was had and love was felt. Wonderful things were said in memory of him. I even got a jacket he wore in his younger years. I'll miss him dearly. My son had a moment that I would like to share: while sitting in the pew my son was looking everywhere but to the person talking. Finally when he looked up he said he saw Uncle David with my dad and grandma. I believe him too. He's a very special soul. He was blessed with this memory. As was I.

I wish I was artistic. I mean like sit down and paint mind of shit. I wanna have an art studio. With an easel and a platter of paint. I wanna paint trees and Mountains. Landscapes and cabins. Bob Ross style. Or abstract art. Something that looks wierd it odd to one looks brilliant to another. Light streaming through the windows. Drafts on the wall. Tapestry hanging on the walls. Scarves on the lamp shade.

There are times when I just want to be alone. I want to be alone a lot, but never get it. I would love alone time. But never seem to get what I want. At least not right now. Soon. Very soon, I'll have an apartment with only my husband and I. We'll have a small dog and a cat. We'll live in a flat with NO steps. I'll have a microwave over my stove and a water dispenser in my fridge. I'll also have a breakfast bar with four stools to sit on. Just enough for my kids or grandkids to sit for cereal. My living room with have plush carpet of a hunter green. The walls will be a pleasant shade of blue. My couch will wrap around with a funky shape coffee table in front of it. My flat screen will be big but not to big. The hallway will be covered in family pictures and treasured art pieces dine by my kids and grandkids. My bedroom will be different shades purple and cream. King size bed with lots and lots of pillows. I will also sleigh bed frame. I'll have a comfortable sit...

I am drunk... Hahaha maybe not really drunk, but drunk non the less. That's all. But I can add later...

My daughter is actively dating. She's 19 and told ke she's been seeing her best friends boyfriend brother. Does that make sense? Hope so. Anyhooo, I don't know this guy. I didn't set her up. How do I come to terms with the fact that she has found someone not mommy approved... Yet. Supposedly he's a good guy. Has a job. Doesn't drive. Which can be a good thing. He graduated high school and he is her age. In fact she's a tad bit older (by like a week). The most annoying thing is I don't know if I'm ready. I should be, but I'm just not.

Today I ran. That's right, I ran. Of course it was to keep warm. But I ran. Needless to say I'm in enormous amount of pain, but I ran today.

I'm always in pain. There's never a day that goes by that pain doesn't radiate over some part of my body. Shoulder. Thighs. Feet. Everyday is something different. Sometimes the pain is local. One spot. Throbbing. Then the next day it's in a different spot and it's burning or freezing even. It doesn't make sense. It never has. I didn't think anything of my aches and pains until I talked to my mother. She talked to me about fibromyalgia. I looked it up and did my research. I found out a lot of my symptoms were the same as hers. I met the criteria. I immediately called and made an appointment with my family physician. I told him my symptoms and he agreed. I was diagnosed in June with fibromyalgia. I also found out that my pain could be a lot worse. The medication I take for my depression and bipolar disorder is the same medication for fibromyalgia. So I've been medicated for the last 3 years and didn't even know it. I could of been in so much more pain....

Today was therapy day. I dread these days. I have to get showered, dressed and make myself presentable. I have to get weighed and I really hate that. But today was a bit different. My doc actually listened to me and what I had to say. I told her about all the death that has happened over the last 30 days. The guy from my Instagram community, my friend who killed herself and then my Uncle. So many emotions and she didn't put down a one of them. When it came to my meds she read them off and didn't recommend changing anything. Maybe today with all the bullshit and drama she didn't want me to go through more. Who knows?! Who cares! My meds stay the same and all is right with the world.

Today I left the house and it didn't involve work. I went to a coffee shop to have coffee with my childhood girlfriend. We talked for about a hour or so and just chatted it up. She even brought me cookies. What a sweetheart. I've known this girl for over 30 years. We met in elementary school and became fast friends. Through time our relationship has grown. From little girls playing with Barbies to teenagers sneaking cigarettes in the lacrosse field to adults drinking coffee and talking about old times. Both married and live full lives. I had kids, she had cats. It's good to have friends. Even when you only see them once or twice a month.

I'm starting to come out if my depression funk. Thanks to friends and an awesome support system I can recover pretty fast. I've reached out to social media sites, medical websites, and different holistic apps to get help. Needless to say, I've done my research. I have people I can go to and they understand me and don't show judgement. Each of us deserve this in our life. My support system is amazing. I have friends and family who love me for me and respect me and the choices make. Don't get me wrong, it's taking 20+ years of on and off therapy, different cocktails of meds and two stints in mental hospitals to get where I am. The point is I'm here and I'm staying.

Today I got my first dab rig. I'm so happy. A girlfriend or mine from another social media outlet sent it to me along with some really cool stickers. I'm so blessed that I have friends that will send me some love. I'm hoping to repay the favor sometime soon. Pay it forward sort of thing. Did the season.

Yesterday my Uncle David died. He was 60. He went through life laughing all the way. He drank, smoked & he had fun. I'll miss you dearly. So many emotions are going through my mind. Feeling numb and unsure. The only truth is that Heaven exists and he is whole and happy again.