I'm Living Bipolar 2

I'm feeling tired. There I said it. I'm ridiculously tired. But I try not to show it. I try to put on a brave face. For my husband. My kids. Everyone. On the inside all I want to do is lay in bed eating jellybeans and drink wine. I want to scream at some people and find others and hug them. What's wrong with me. One day I have to much empathy now I feel like I'm loosing it. Empathy was my superpower. My go to. Where has it gone? Where can I find it again? I need a moment of reflection. I need to be one with the earth. I need to go camping with just my husband. A weekend away. Just the two of us. I need that more than anything. I'm trying  so hard. To be the best mother. Wife. Sister. Daughter. Friend. I'm trying and that is all I can do.

Oh my goodness I'm fucking going crazy. I've waiting for the other shoe to drop and it has. However, I can't do my breakdown like I want to. I just want to sleep or stay in bed but I can't. I want to cry but can't. Fuck these feelings all ready. I'm done with them. I don't want them any more. Good fucking night bitches! 👿👿😖😖😫😫😒😒😬😬😡😡💩💩💩

I have meaning. I have purpose. I'm wanted. I'm loved. I live a wonderful life. I have 4 great children. A grandson that I would die for. In laws that I can actually be around. All in all I'm having the most wonderful time on this planet. I'm blessed to live in the USA. To have my children born and raised in a good town with family and friends surrounding them everyday. I'm grateful for my husband. My son. My daughters. I'm just so grateful. So blessed. That is all.  

I'm sitting in the tub listening to music and relaxing. Candlelight, incense, green and my phone. As I write this I'm smoking a bowl of some serious killer herb. This shit needs to be legalized. I'm not talking a few states here and there. I'm talking about everyone having the option to smoke some stank should they feel the need to do so. When you smoke the only thing you do is eat, sleep and eat again. That's it. People have to be smart though. You can't go to work high. You can't drive high. You can't. That would be wrong. If you're chilling at your own house at 8:30 at night and you want to pop on a Big Bang or Mike & Molly on that ole DVR or TeVo and blaze a doobie you should be able too. You're not hurting anyone. It's natural. God made it. Native American Indian tribes used it. Hell it's actually good for you. If you give it a chance you will see. It helps with pain. Headaches. Upset tummy. Eye trouble. The list can be endless. ...

I made up my mind and got dreads. I did them myself. I looked them up on Pintrest and watched a video on YouTube. I also dreaded up my daughters hair. I also colored my hair purple. I feel better about myself when I have some funky color in my hair. For example purple or blue. I prefer purple as you can see. The man you see in this picture is my husband. We've had so e hard times but through it all we've stayed strong. Our friends have actually look up to us when it comes to relationships. We've been married just over ten years but have been together for twenty. We have four children and now a grandchild. I've also been hospitalized twice for breakdowns. Once for three days the last stay was a week. I have several different mental illness issues that I've talked about in previous posts. I'm starting to redo a DBT course to help refresh myself on my skills. I'm trying so hard to find who I am. Listening to music more and more and starting to knit again. Here...